You be you, you!

To recap what we learned last week, this is how I end up in relationships:

1. Dislike someone or have strongly neutral feelings about them.
2. That someone says they like me.
3. I say to that person, "that's dumb."
4. They say, "please?"
5. "Ok."

Here's how I don't end up in relationships:

Google Images wins again. Also, WTF? 

1. Hitting on my ex's BFF: I returned to the same church camp where I met Alex the following summer. It was awkward, and kind of horrible, and I did everything I could to avoid him. However, he'd brought his best friend, Wade, along with him and I thought he was the bee's knees. Seriously. The knees of bees! I did everything I could to sit next to him, hold his hand during songs, be on his soccer team... all the things that had worked on me the year prior. During movie night (the night of my first big kiss 12 months ago), I snuggled up the Wade and for some reason he let me pet his chest. That's sexy, right?

The next day he was making out with some other girl. The day after that, Alex and I got back together.  Shut up.

2. Hitting on someone who is actually secretly dating someone else at the party. I mentioned Jason (not "Wang" from my list of sabotages) but a different one. Jason was friends with my BFF in high school which is how we ended up at the same party. (I had told my parents I was spending the night at Sara's house and Sara had told her parents she was staying at mine. [Wake up, parents!]) I spent all night following Jason around. He was tall, cute, hilarious, and a high school drop out... everything I was looking for (see also Motorcycle M****).

I mentioned last week how I was sitting on his lap. I did this a lot in high school (I also stole a lot of baseball caps?) and I don't think it ever worked itself into a relationship, but what really clinched the obnoxiousness of my attempts to come on to him that night was basically just laying down on the couch with him whether he liked it or not and forcing him to sleep like that with me (fully clothed, mind you...).

The next morning Sara pulled me aside to tell me he was secretly dating her other friend and I should probably back off. I'm sure that's the only reason he wasn't into me.

3. Work Crushes. (Not be confused with WC). I mentioned working at the record store in college in last week's post. I pretty much had a crush on all my coworkers. Kevin was... wow...just swoony. And SM was super flattering to me all the time and very funny. I switched my schedule to work with them whenever I could, but as I am a complete failure at flirting I got nowhere. We'd play poker for pennies, and talk about their ex girlfriends, and make fun of patrons... When I turned 21 Kevin and SM took me out to dinner and I was so nervous I barely talked or ate, and I refused to drink alcohol. I was home at 8:30. I'd psyched myself out thinking it was my big chance to hang out with them outside of work and I choked.

4. Any time I'm at the bar speaking. If I'm approaching someone at a bar, then I'm wasted and can't remember what I said the next day, but I'm sure it's humiliating and weird. If I'm at the bar and someone is approaching me, I'm probably condescending and rude. I'm not really sure why I do this, but these all really happened:

Man: Hey. I'm Blah Blah Blah. 
Me: Cool. 
(chitchat montage)
Me: So what do you do?
Man: I used to play Major League Baseball. 
Me: I bet that line gets you a lot of chicks, huh?... Wait? Don't go... yeah, nevermind.

(New chitchat montage)
Man2: Wanna hear a joke?
Me: Is the punchline you walking away?

(Newer chitchat montage)
Man 3: I have an MBA from...
Me: Don't finish that thought. I was starting to like you... 

My friends love taking me to the bar.

To me, there's nothing sexier than someone thinking you're sexy.... unless it's me thinking you're sexy in which case it's probably weird.

HelloGiggles had this great post this week on how to annoy someone into loving you. I've tried all of them: the patronizing and insulting (see #4 above), the calling/emailing/ texting alot (done it!), and being totally self-righteous (I named my high horse Frank). I would suggest you maybe avoid doing those things. Unless you can't help it. I can't really help that I'm bad at flirting. I'm good at it when the other person is also bad at it because then we try to one-up each other on awkward and it's always a good time... but if someone is good at flirting and someone else isn't?

Flirt: I saw you from across the bar and just wanted to tell you that I really like your smile. 
Non-flirt: I just farted. 

Anyway, I've given up trying to be something I'm not (even though I'm still jealous that I didn't win this skill when the tooth fairy was handing them out...that's how that works, right? A tooth for a skill?). When I try to be anything but authentic I end up on a horrible date that takes three posts to describe. I'd rather fail miserably and still have my pride.

You be you, you!

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Note: I was about to post this and was scouring a new blog I've fallen for, Apocalypstick, and the blogger posted a secret to flirting. As I will soon run out of my own stories to tell, I'd like to dare/challenge any reader to try her tip and report back this week. I'll send the best story a prize. And it doesn't have to be a true story, it just has to be a good one. Not all my stories are exactly true. Ask Katie.