Ruined

Fuck you, Disney. It's your fault I think magic happens and I'll be swept off my feet by a man directed by paper airplanes. You and my parents.

I should carry more papers...

I'll have the cornflakes. Hold the wind.

No, I am not dead

Nor am I sick or depressed

I am just busy

This haiku is dedicated to KPR... only because it's a haiku, not because you thought I was dead, depressed or sick because I just texted you 20 minutes ago so I would have told you those things. Anyway: Refrigerator. 

No, YOU'RE a sissy.

This post is brought to you from the Philadelphia Airport as I wait for my return flight home. It was a quick trip. One might even call it unproductive. Here are the highlights:

We Try Harder
Avis does. They told me so. I just picked them because they had a decent price and the words "discount" and "budget" weren't in the name of the company which usually means "terrifying" or "rollerskate" and since I was here for work, I could afford to travel safely.

Things that happened: 2 unrelated stories

I'm not the only one who talked about lying this week. Although the Oatmeal's story is way better than mine and will make you laugh and cry while mine is probably just confusing.

And he can draw pictures of cats shooting kittens out of their vaginas. I just keep using the same picture of Emma as my Facebook profile picture but with various accessories. Doesn't it look like she's saying "Here are some flowers, lady. I love you. Sorry I puked in your shoe..." ? (Also, she did puke in the bed last night... the shoe story is from any other day of the years since I've had her.) Nothing I'm about to say today is a lie. But as we learned from the Oatmeal, lies are good sometimes. 

"Sorry..."

Why lie?

I don't need a beer. I would like a glass of wine, but I'm booze-free until next Saturday when I see my neighbor who is going to cut my hair and says I get to drink wine while it's happening. But that's not the point.

The point is that I lie a lot. Unnecessarily and rarely about important things, but I do it a lot. I've discussed this with others because I'm incredibly honest.

I'm not okay with any of this

You just buy this book from Amazon, save the hair your cat sheds in your house, and then you can make these sweet little toys. I'm a fan of recycling and reusing and whatnot, but if someone saved my hair and made a finger puppet out of it, I would shit in their bed, not just vomit. (Speaking as a cat of course. I don't shit or vomit in the bed because I am a human and I can make it to the toilet... just in case there was any confusion by my previous statement.)