Taco To-Day: Day Dreams

 I was taking a walk the other day when this happened:

BIRDNAPPED!

Awkward Chronicle Episode #99: The Creepy VP

Part 1 of what I expect will be a 3 part series. 

The Meeting: 

I met this guy at a bar once. We'll call him Steve because that's his name. I was 32. He was 42 and the VP of sales for a beer import company. For some reason I made out with him AT the bar. Totally tacky, I know. It's not my normal behavior (in fact I'm capable of being rather rude when someone interrupts my night out with friends to be... I don't know... social and normal?).

Sometimes I get tired of being called fickle by my adoring friends so I'll set all types aside and, in this case, just accepted the flattery of a stranger in a bar.  And he was allll flattery. "You're the full package... smart, successful, beautiful..." Well, thank you, sir. Yes you MAY shove your tongue down my throat in public.

Get the hint, Barry

I'm not a girl who can be bought. I can pay my own airfare.... I can't believe you had someone from your staff invite me. Who do you think you are?

And I know you're saving me a seat, but I don't want it, loser. I can't believe how desperate you've become. You used to speak to my heart.. but now...

You threaten me "Last dinner...."? Whatever. Get over yourself.

I almost caved after the second to last one. The simple, imploring "Dinner"? It reminded me of your sweet vulnerability when I used to know you. (Maybe I never knew you...)

Taco To-Day: Baguette Way

My ex and I had exchanged gifts the day before Christmas and then broke up the day after. I'd seen the break-up coming, but I really liked the watch I'd gotten for him and wanted him to have it. He gave me an equally awesome gift by paying for knitting lessons. So while the lessons ended up being about a month after we broke up, I knitted him a scarf.

I finished the scarf in March and still haven't given it to him. I sent him the following email this week:

I had a dream about you last night that you had shaved your beard and were working as a concierge in a Vegas hotel. It was awkward.... some of that is coming from the fact that I'm about to hire this 24 year old kid who was a concierge in a hotel in NYC for the last year... at least I can only assume that's what my subconscious was tying together. 

This is better than the dreams I've been having about trying to rescue puppies running across the highway.

I have something I'd like to mail you. Can I have your address? I promise it's not scary or evil even though I've blown you off for the last 9 months. It's okay if not. 

Hope you're well.

Unicorn Dogs

Things I should be doing, but I'm not....

• Cleaning the closet. 
• Cleaning the fridge.
• Repainting the ceiling in my bedroom. (I had a new fixture installed in... oh... February... and I still haven't sanded down the plaster which patched some of the holes and repainted.)
• Laundry. 
• Finishing any of the 800 craft projects I've started in the last year, but got distracted and started another. Here's one I did finish: 

Motorcycle M******

*Names omitted to protect ... I don't know... someone....

While dining with my Work Crush the other night, I was showing him pictures on my phone of Palm Springs and he went backwards through them and found the one I had covertly taken of him from the week prior.

He says, "What the hell is this?" 

And I said "well, um, it's a picture I took of you without your knowledge... I don't know why I did it *coughilikeyoucough* but you can delete it if you want." 

WC: "Did you show it to anyone?" 

Me: "No."

But what I meant was "Not yet." 

I hate getting busted.

Taco To-Day: There are no stupid questions

If you're in a coma, do you still poop?

If I call pooping "talking to my accountant," is that disrespectful to my actual accountant? She's real nice.

What is the point of nude underwear? If I wanted to be nude I wouldn't wear underwear.

Why do I have to buy a kitchen utensil every time I go to Ikea?

Who thought this was a good idea?

Because a giant phallus is less creepy than a plastic face? 

The Anne Chronicle: Episode 12/26/2011

Sometimes when I'm really blue I think about running away. I'm pretty sure everyone does this. I have these elaborate fantasies about just moving to another town, renting a tiny little apartment, and having some local stranger fall in love with me. And then I realize I'm Julia Roberts in "The Hand that Rocks to Cradle" except I didn't have an abusive husband. And then I feel stupid so I dump the fake guy and start just making friends in my new fictional town and being satisfied with that. Then I realize I'm Buffy in that episode after she kills her vampire boyfriend and she moves to LA and is a waitress. And that's when I turn off the TV and take a walk.

But I would smile more. Because I didn't just murder my boyfriend probably. 

Taco To-Day: The Palm Springs Edition

Technically I only had tacos once this week, but I did stop at a Del Taco, so I took a picture of the cup.

Iced Tea. Not a taco. 

One of my very best friends is getting married in October and we went to celebrate with a bachelorette weekend in Palm Springs... and on the way my travel companions and I needed refreshments.

Mmmmm... Sausage

Post teaser:

Can Victoria's Secret sue me for using this image?

Episode #43: But I'm a 90s bitch...

I love break-up songs that are all upbeat and danceable. I'm currently obsessed with this song by Icona Pop, "I Love It."  I've probably listened to it 100 times in the last 2 months. Last summer I loved "The Sun Ain't Shining No More" by Asteroid Galaxy Tour even though I think it's supposed to insult my feminist sensibilities... but it was so damned catchy.

To further your education in the dating adventures of your host on this blog journey, I bring you a list of break-ups where I was not the decision maker (even though in some cases I should have been).

Reasons I've been dumped by dudes who weren't my boyfriend: