Awkward Chronicle Episode #99: The Creepy VP

Part 1 of what I expect will be a 3 part series. 

The Meeting: 

I met this guy at a bar once. We'll call him Steve because that's his name. I was 32. He was 42 and the VP of sales for a beer import company. For some reason I made out with him AT the bar. Totally tacky, I know. It's not my normal behavior (in fact I'm capable of being rather rude when someone interrupts my night out with friends to be... I don't know... social and normal?).

Sometimes I get tired of being called fickle by my adoring friends so I'll set all types aside and, in this case, just accepted the flattery of a stranger in a bar.  And he was allll flattery. "You're the full package... smart, successful, beautiful..." Well, thank you, sir. Yes you MAY shove your tongue down my throat in public.

He kept trying to buy me more wine but I turned them down. I'd had two glasses with my girl friend before she left (to move to another state the next day, if you'd like some insight into my emotional wellbeing). Finally he just bought me one "to hold." I didn't drink any of it. He offered to get me a room at the hotel (the bar/restaurant has a great hotel attached). "You know... platonically." Really? A platonic hotel room... Eventually I just grabbed my coat and ran before I did something dumber than make out with a stranger in a bar.

The Re-Meeting: 

We struggled to meet up for a real date because he travelled a lot for work. We met for a quick beer one night after work because he agreed to pick me up at the office, drive me to the bar, and then drive me back to the light rail station in time for me to get across town to meet my friends at 7:30. It was fun. He was a charming character. But he somehow got two beers into me in about 45 minutes so the making out in the car thing was a little .... well... high school like.

Things he did that were stupid, but for some reason I found charming because he let me abuse him:

• He repeatedly mentioned his MBA from Harvard. Since I've known far too many idiots with MBAs, I asked "Am I supposed to be impressed by that?" To which he replied that most women were. (Please note, I also know a lot of smart people who have MBAs and have considered getting one myself, but I'm not always impressed with the folks who have them...And he was just sooo proud of his...) 

• He would also talk about how he'd take women he'd barely been dating on trips and then he never understood why they'd get so attached. Um... "I don't know. You're 42. You're dating women who are probably looking to settle down with a man with money which you've made it clear you have... Why are you so surprised?" Ok, I didn't say that exactly, but I did ask him if he was an idiot. Interesting conversation.

• Talked about his ex wife. 

When he wasn't trying to humbly brag about his excessive bank accounts, random trips, and ivy league education, we must have enjoyed ourselves because I agreed to see him again... All I can say in my defense is that flattery really will get a person pretty far all other red flags being set aside.

It took a long time before we had a real first date... probably 4 or so weeks. I'd hear from him via text or email every couple days. The right amount to not feel smothered, but enough to continue my interest in his regular flattery and curiosity about dating outside of my type.

MY TYPE:

Mid-20s ex. Him on the right. Even his head is skinnier.
I'm just to the left with the wide square-shaped head. 

1. He's usually thin. Almost lacking in any musculature. If athletic at all, he plays soccer... so endurance is there, but not exactly muscle tone. I usually weigh more he does. And he's either just barely taller than I am or WAY taller than I am. Nothing in between. (This is not on purpose, for the record. Though not unattractive, I am fine with men who are both average sized or extra-sized.)

2. He's usually poor. I stopped with the homeless guys in high school, but I usually make more money than my fellas because I tend to date artistic, dreamer kind of guys who followed some passion while I was just being corporate. I admire passion. I don't actually admire money. My boyfriends typically allow me to pay for dinner.

3. He's usually really into music... Indie rock or some sort of alternative vein. He does NOT listen to mainstream radio and wouldn't know who Lady Gaga is.

4. He's hilarious. We make each other and random strangers on the street either laugh with us or at us.

5. He's usually my age or within 2-4 years of my age.

6. He was probably not the most popular person in high school and still thinks he's not as attractive or cool as his peers even though he totally grew out of awkward and is super hot.

7. He's just about to meet the woman he's going to marry...

Most recent ex. My thigh could eat his head
for dinner. 

College-ex. Being swallowed by a
wooded vagina.

Please note that it is incredibly weird to stalk exes on Facebook so you can screen grab pictures of them and crop out the head of their current girlfriend. 

Back to Steve. He was the opposite of everything above and was clearly used to dating women who wanted to snatch him up and marry him. He'd invite me to dinner with no advance notice and I'd always tell him I was busy and he'd need to plan ahead better. My aloofness and constant mockery were interesting to him, I gathered. I think I became a challenge... that challenge and lack of availability they say men like but I usually skip over to get to the naked stuff? Yeah, it works.

....To Be Continued