Episode #43: But I'm a 90s bitch...

I love break-up songs that are all upbeat and danceable. I'm currently obsessed with this song by Icona Pop, "I Love It."  I've probably listened to it 100 times in the last 2 months. Last summer I loved "The Sun Ain't Shining No More" by Asteroid Galaxy Tour even though I think it's supposed to insult my feminist sensibilities... but it was so damned catchy.

To further your education in the dating adventures of your host on this blog journey, I bring you a list of break-ups where I was not the decision maker (even though in some cases I should have been).

Reasons I've been dumped by dudes who weren't my boyfriend:

1.  Being too forward. My Own Asian (MOA). This story has nothing to with him being Asian... just that when we were going out that was the name I'd given him because there's not a whole lot of diversity in this town so it's a unique identifier... I'm not suggesting anything about him, his response, or our (non)relationship as a result of his ethnicity... Anyway, we went out a few times and we really hit it off. I thought he totally liked me, but I went in for the kiss twice on our last date and then never heard from him again. I can only assume it was because I was too forward... which I'm not even good at. Or he hates kissing. Or I'm a racist.

2. Appearing too needy. The Littlest Buddhist. Probably weighed 90lbs soaking wet. Stopped calling me after I expressed annoyance that we'd planned to spend an entire day together and then I was allocated about 45 minutes for dinner. I'm sure I could have handled it better. My last voicemail to him included some rambling about how it's not possible he's actually blowing me off just because I expressed disappointment because that would be silly.

I used to stalk his blog and a few months later he posted about getting wasted and peeing in the corner of his apartment. Even in my 20s that wouldn't have amused me in the least. I run into him all.the.time. Usually when I'm on a date.

3. Being too slutty. Jason aka Wang. Oh Jason... he was gorgeous. And by far my favorite youthful indiscretion of my 20s. We met in a bar. He was the roommate of a guy my friends were setting me up with and that guy showed me no interest... frankly it was mutual. Jason, however, showed me his wang near the bathrooms at the bar. Please note, he did ask first if I wanted to see it because it was pierced. I immediately understood why a dude would pierce his unit... girls DO want to see and are suddenly and instantaneous curious to touch it. Win for the guy!

I digress... I was in my "I will not be bound by any man" phase so made it clear just about every time we hung out (maybe 10 or so times) that I wasn't looking for anything commitment-like and wouldn't even let him spend the night because I "sleep better alone." Hello, Anxiety? Meet the lies we tell people. Anyway, I don't know if he wanted to date me seriously or if he just thought I was kind of a whore for always saying I didn't want a commitment, but he stopped returning my calls. I think he was also my first 30 year old (I was probably 24/25 at the time).

4. Speaking my mind. Burke. That's his name. He lives in my building. He was charming and flirty and we met in the elevator on the way to an HOA meeting. He stopped calling me after he made a late night booty call by banging on my door at 3 a.m. I let him in but did not let him "in," so to speak. He then slept in my bed until noon the next day and ultimately, I suspect, was annoyed that I told him to never just show up at my door after 10 pm again unless he called first ("But I did call you... you didn't answer...") as it showed a lack of respect for me. He never called again...

Until a couple weeks later when I thought I had an STD and since he was my last date I left him a voicemail to get tested. Turns out I had nothing (lucky lucky lucky lucky), but when he said "but we used a condom" during my awkward call to him I wanted to kick him in his tiny little balls since I'd had to negotiate that in the moment after he said "But you're on birth control." Ok smarty-pants... anyway, good riddance... but I'm pretty sure he thinks I said the whole STD thing to get back at him for not calling. We end up in the elevator together a lot. So annoying. Never date an asshole in your building.

5. Being funny. Mike. Towards my later 20s I found myself dating guys who were recently divorced or divorcing. Mike and I went out twice. The first night we got wicked drunk, he kissed me in the bar and I took him home. Things didn't go well in the bedroom, but I just chalked it up to too much booze. Second date we kind of had too much to drink again, and again I took him home. We faced the same problem where things would be fine until we went to get that all important condom and he'd then lose his....um... happiness. I figured if he was recently divorced he probably hadn't had to use condoms in a long time and it was just weird to be with another woman so I tried to be understanding and helpful... so I suggested he take some home and practice. Let me reiterate my exact words: "Wanna take some home and practice..." Yeah. He didn't call again.

He took me in his hands and squeezed me real tightI was humbled so starstruck but depending on this guyHe didn't last very long a week or maybe twoWhen he called me on the phoneSaying baby I don't love you
Just another one way loveAlways giving never getAnd now I feel so stupidIt's like a deja vu ooohhh...
Because the Sun ain't shining no moreI don't know why but I've seen it beforeAin't got no joy no man to lean onHe leaves my soul on the floor like a doll
....Asteroid Galaxy Tour, "Sun Ain't Shining No More." 

I used to think it was "he leaves my soul on the floor like a dog"... which is way worse than doll.