Mmmmm... Sausage

Post teaser:

Can Victoria's Secret sue me for using this image?

Can we talk about the humiliation of Spanx? Somehow I've managed to arrive at age 35 having avoided them completly. I have at times tried the control top panty hose, but found them to be useless as my belly fat would just roll them down. But these are Victoria's Secret somethingorothers with little plastic beads to hold them up under my boobs... so they won't roll down, right? And they're shorts. With a slit in the crotch so I can pee without having to take them off... which seems like a horrible messy idea.

This is not a feminist manifesto. Or a unique tale of push-up bras and high heel shoes and the obsurdity of it all. I guess it could be. It's just that the woman in the photo above doesn't look like me when I put on on the VS-branded Spanx and I had at some point decided that they would, in fact, make me a Victoria's Secret underwear model. Instead I kind of look like this:

Thanks again to Wikipedia for having all necessary pictures on hand. 

Ok, no I don't look like a hundred little sausages. But one big, pale pink sausage smashed into the intestine casing. Wanna make out? I've got my Spanx on.

What if I'm at this wedding (I'm a bridesmaid) and I drink too much and I'm unable to extract myself from the Spanx in order to relieve myself? I can't get in and out of my dress by myself, but you'd think I could manage my undergarments, right?

I hope the bride-to-be is reading this so she knows why I'm sitting in the corner of her reception looking yellow but with fewer lady lumps (*gag*) and 10lbs lighter...

This is what happens when you Google "lady lumps" and ask for images. WTF is wrong with Google? The only one I should have seen is Fergie grabbing her rack in the upper right. Woah. 

This post has taken a turn for the worse...

I'm off to Palm Springs to hang with some ladies. With normal lumps.