Thoughts

Sometimes if the mail in my mailbox is disappointing, I just put it back in and give it another day or two to be better. Shouldn't we all have that opportunity to improve? 

My sister and I were talking the other day about learning to enjoy the middle of a transition. Instead of focusing on where we're going, learning to truly enjoy where we are. I'm not very good at this, but I want to be.

If the shirt I want to wear is wrinkled, I use my flat iron to iron it. It's a little dangerous because I'm often still wearing the shirt, but I've had less issues with this method than the actual iron which I'm pretty sure is colluding with the cheese drawer to murder me. 

Who will we become?

Grief is a new thing for me.

I've spent a little time with it here and there at the end of relationships. At the end of friendships. At the end of eras. But not the big losses. The life-changing,  reevaluate-what's-important kind. Or maybe grief, like childbirth (which I've never done at all so why on earth am I using it as a metaphor?), is something you do eventually forget enough of that the next time it's startlingly dramatic?

I saw my therapist for the first time in 18 months because I'm not managing my reactions to life well right now. I yelled at WC when he said I checked the placement of his toe wrong (he was trying on new shoes and he wanted me to check toe placement and apparently this isn't a skill I have). I also yelled at one of my employees for helping. She was. Just not precisely, exactly, 100% the way I would have done it had I done it myself which I couldn't which is why she was helping. I mostly hate everything that isn't perfectly behaving exactly as I need it to.

This is not a healthy way to approach the world.

Anxiety

Sometimes I feel anxious and I can't remember why. I just know that 10 minutes ago I was blissfully watching Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D and suddenly I'm nervous... like I forgot to put pants on. Which has never happened.

The other morning I woke up that way. Slightly discombobulated (heh) and concerned and I had to search my brain for what I'd been thinking about the night before or what was supposed to happen that day that was causing brain-drama. And then I started remembering the last dream I'd been having where I was trying to keep my sister from making out with MY (not)boyfriend.

So I texted her: I dreamt last might (sic) you kept trying to make out with [wc] because you said I wasn't right for him. Don't make out with my (not)boyfriend, okay?

And she kindly replied: Okay, I won't. 

I also texted WC that his shenanigans in my subconscious with my sister were over and he responded: Screwball... looks like you have to stop suckin face with my brother then. *

Anyway, I felt better after confronting the anxieties created in my sleep. So that's the lesson for today. If your brain is creating fake drama, confront the people your brain has decided are acting improperly in your head and make them answer for it.

Yours Truly,
Screwball.
___________________________

*He doesn't have a brother. 

Do I need a jump-start or just a nap?

I'm feeling reflective which is actually somewhat unique for me this time of year as I usually just feel relieved that that the holidays are over but I think I missed them they came and went so quickly. I totally phoned in gift giving and opted for random shit I found in the stocking stuffer sections of stores. So everyone got 3 things from me instead of one thoughtful gift... which turned out okay for most people, but I think I missed the joy from finding that one special thing for everyone.

I was on the phone with WC last night and he said "You sound blue. Is everyone okay?" "Of course. I'm just sad... I mean, I'm just tired" and I wiped away an unnecessary tear that showed up uninvited. Apparently he and my subconscious are on a wavelength my conscious self hadn't caught up with yet. I'd even been congratulating myself on not getting the holiday blues a few days prior. Go me!

But not always

Sometimes it's 10:30 pm on a Friday and you realize you're out of toilet paper. Like out out. And you're not going to the store.

Sometimes you might steal toilet paper from the public bathroom in your building because you still aren't going to the store.

Sometimes you wish you'd never read the news.

Sometimes you wake up at 3:30 a.m. and you don't know if you were just dreaming of a horrible asthma attack or if you're actually having one. And maybe it's not even an asthma attack. It might just be a panic attack, but you find your inhaler and take a hit anyway because even if it's not asthma and it's just panic, sometimes panic goes away simply because you took action.

Go lay down.

One of my favorite things about yoga is that if things get hard, you're encouraged to lay down, take a break, and join the class again when you're ready. I love laying down. It coincides well with hating when people tell me what to do. So I get in a sandbells class and the instructor shouts "10 MORE! YOU CAN DO IT! DON'T GIVE UP!" and I immediately want to lay down because fuck you. (But then I remember that I want to look like Madonna when I'm 52 so I have to keep working out and flexing in the mirror.)

My boss makes me want to fight until my eyes bleed. I have been fighting him on a topic for 3 months and I decided before I went on vacation that I would win this war. I WOULD WIN!

Sometimes it costs $250 to find out you’re a terrible person.

Sometimes you’re just being dramatic because coming back from vacation means you have to be a grown up about your daily life again and you’re feeling blue about your life because your boss is an asshole.

Can we talk about how cliché it is to hate your boss? Nevermind. I don't want to.

So I was in Santa Barbara this weekend and it was beautiful and wonderful. My friend had a baby back in May and I hadn't met him yet so that had to happen.

I like to take selfies while holding babies.

Haunted Housing

My agent and I looked at the perfect house today. Perfect. Everything I want and more... right number of bedrooms, nice kitchen, A/C, cute neighborhood, minimal yard obligations...

After we saw it I asked her to call the listing broker about a few things, but it was just a stall tactic. I needed more time to know why I didn't want it.

Why didn't I want it? It had everything and more and the quirks could be unquirked. And the unquirked could be quirked. Or whatever.

Right Now

One of my biggest issues with dating has been finding the balance between enjoying the current moment and trying to guess, plan, or avoid the future of the relationship. My tendencies to sabotage come from this.  My last relationship, dubbed "The Burning Building" because of my total disregard for red flags, is representative of my opposite tendency which is to close my eyes and run head first into a disaster.

Player Piano

"That man's got a lot of get up and go," said Anita. 

"He fills me full of lie down and die," said Paul.  --Player Piano, Kurt Vonnegut

 I decided this year (and likely beyond) to read all of Kurt Vonnegut Jr's books in the order they were written. I own most of them already and have read many of them, but this seems like an interesting experiment.

The first book, Player Piano, was published in 1952 and takes place in the future (which I'm sure is somewhere around 1980 or so) and shows the problems society faces when industry replaces human productivity. How people are happiest when they're able to produce and engage and set their own course for their lives.

Why lie?

I don't need a beer. I would like a glass of wine, but I'm booze-free until next Saturday when I see my neighbor who is going to cut my hair and says I get to drink wine while it's happening. But that's not the point.

The point is that I lie a lot. Unnecessarily and rarely about important things, but I do it a lot. I've discussed this with others because I'm incredibly honest.

Hipster Holidays and a Ducky New Year

Have a Merry Christmas or Emma will cut you.

It's Christmas Eve and I've been kind of blue this morning which is pretty normal for the holidays, but still unwelcomed. Part of my problem, I'm sure, is that I didn't take the day off. So I'm sitting at home, pretending to work, sending just enough emails to look like I shouldn't be fired.

A biological imperative

Last night I dreamt my sister and I were going to the country and western warehouse (?) to buy little cowboy hats for the her 4 and 7 year olds (??).  While we were driving there we were talking about depression which we've both dealt with to varying degrees in our lives. She says to me something like "But if you feel the need to cry, you just have to do it because it clears your head and slowly whatever you were sad about starts to be something you can rationalize, understand, and get over." 

In the dream it was like this strange epiphany for me that all the times I try not to cry I'm actually feeding my depression but if I cry it out, the depression starts to leak out my eyeballs (???).

I woke up thinking that this conversation had really happened and was very confused because I couldn't remember a country and western warehouse store ever existing (think Costco with chaps in bulk) and why in the fuck would we be going there anyway?

Buy these here. But I have to ask, is this site racist? If so, I apologize.
I don't know what "custom chinks" are., but at least they're local?

The Anne Chronicle: Episode 12/26/2011

Sometimes when I'm really blue I think about running away. I'm pretty sure everyone does this. I have these elaborate fantasies about just moving to another town, renting a tiny little apartment, and having some local stranger fall in love with me. And then I realize I'm Julia Roberts in "The Hand that Rocks to Cradle" except I didn't have an abusive husband. And then I feel stupid so I dump the fake guy and start just making friends in my new fictional town and being satisfied with that. Then I realize I'm Buffy in that episode after she kills her vampire boyfriend and she moves to LA and is a waitress. And that's when I turn off the TV and take a walk.

But I would smile more. Because I didn't just murder my boyfriend probably.