Right Now

One of my biggest issues with dating has been finding the balance between enjoying the current moment and trying to guess, plan, or avoid the future of the relationship. My tendencies to sabotage come from this.  My last relationship, dubbed "The Burning Building" because of my total disregard for red flags, is representative of my opposite tendency which is to close my eyes and run head first into a disaster.

I guess I should rephrase. One of my biggest issues with life has been finding the balance between enjoying the current moment and trying to guess, plan, or avoid the future. Folks with anxiety disorder understand this too well and maybe, as I have, find comfort in pretending the future doesn't need to exist until it's right upon us.

It's why I didn't buy tickets to my friend's wedding last year until about 5 weeks prior even though I'd known for about 5 months when and where it would be and with 100% certainty that I'd be attending. I try not to plan arguments in my head with my boss anymore because they never happen the way I think they will and they only lead to panic. I try not to anticipate the questions I'll get during my presentations at work (except to the extent that I make sure I know what I need to know). I try not to consider what I'll do if I suddenly vomit at my desk, pass out at the grocery store, spontaneously combust at the gym, or lose control of my bowels anywhere at any time. And why I rarely know what I'm doing on a weekend until Saturday morning. 

So I'm learning in my life to just address what is happening right now because there's no right now I haven't been able to manage. I sometimes repeat this to myself: "There is no now that I can't handle." And eventually "right now" becomes "already happened" and I can't change what has happened so I might as well not worry about it anymore. There's strength in that for the anxious person. 

But recently my therapist and others have expressed concern with the lack of commitment being made on the part of my (not)boyfriend. That at this point certain progress should be made. Don't get me wrong, my own brain has brought this up to me, but that's what my brain does... it tries to plan things based on what should be happening. And I've been trying to just be in the moment. 

But I guess a year is too long for a moment-by-moment approach to dating? Nothing to be said that the time we spend together is easy and fun. That he is supportive and encouraging and smart and challenging (and hot). And that what he asks of me are things I'm capable of giving plus a little patience with idiosyncracies others might not tolerate. (Note: These idiosyncracies do not include violence, a spouse, or anything immoral... whatever your definition.) 

But recently my therapist has not been as "go with the flow" regarding my (not)boyfriend. She says I need to take my own time to decide when I'm done with this experience... which is her way of saying "I don't think this is healthy." She said it about that Burning Building I mentioned above and she was right. And I'm sure she's not un-right about my current (non)relationship. But the truth is that right now I'm NOT done. Right now his presence is making my life that much richer and more enjoyable. No, he's not meeting all my needs (another of her favorite questions), but no one ever has.  I'm at least netting positive on this right now. 

I will tire of the lack of commitment. I will, at some point, want someone who wants to settle down and snuggle in... and hopefully it will be with someone who doesn't break out in hives when they hang out with my cats. But right now, I have this amazing friend who adores me and is giving me everything he can as earnestly as he can. It's not what I pictured of a "relationship." But I've never pictured anything correctly anyway and most of those pictures have lead to Ativan. So I'm going to hide behind the safety of my whatever-this-is for now.

Today we went to Ikea and other stores to look at couches and vanities for my bathroom. He gave me his opinions on my potential purchases in a way that shows me he knows me, he cares about my choices, and he thinks x, y, or z is ugly... and that he knows his opinions only matter in the having of them, but the decisions are mine and he will support them.

And it could have been a perfectly plutonic day of Sunday-afternoon shopping except that when I dropped him off at his car, he wouldn't let me just park in the middle of road so he could get out... he wanted me to pull over for some proper smooching.

So... right now? I could ask for more, but "more" might not be worth it. "More" might mean someone else who doesn't understand my sometimes 80-hour work week. "More" might mean someone who doesn't understand that my desire to remodel my bathroom is probably a whim that will fizzle out, but I'm likely buying that couch. And "more" might be planning something with someone that doesn't understand there's panic in the plan and comfort in the whim. Sometimes you can sacrifice a little "having your needs met" for "having someone who doesn't need more from me."

I'm sure my therapist has some wisdom on the topic (am I "settling"?) and I'm sure it will make me cry, but in the mean time I think I might be learning what my needs really are and that they aren't what everyone expects them to be... including me. They might just be as simple as what is right in front of me. At least for right now. And right now doesn't suck. And planning for right now isn't wrong. Right now cares about the future enough to not think too hard about it.

Right?