Mouth? Meet foot.

After 35 years of living with my mouth, (and I'm told I was born talking) you'd think I'd be better at knowing when to shut it. But the truth is that I think I'm getting worse.

Good Luck
A coworker's mother passed away recently. She and her mother were very close and she was devastated. She kept coming to work, though, because it would keep her mind off things.

The day of the wake, I stopped by her desk to mention I was planning to be at the funeral the following day but wouldn't make it that evening. Here's what came out of my mouth: "So, yeah, good lu... um... I mean, that I hope it's ni... um....yeah... I don't know the right things to say about a wake and a funeral so I'm sorry." Luckily she knows me well enough to not hate my guts for being an idiot, but really? Who wishes someone good luck on their mother's funeral. Oh, I do!

Can't I just say I'm sorry?
Another coworker had seemed down for awhile so I popped my head in his office to say hello and check in. I asked how things were and it turned out they thought his wife had cancer and they were waiting for some results. I could have just said "I'm sorry" but instead I said: "Oh no. Has she had it before?" Because what does that even matter? He just looked at me like I'd grown a horn, which I wish I had so I could have said "SORRY. HORN IS MAKING DUMB BRAIN WORDS FROM MOUTH" and run away. I did pull it together and shove out, "How scary. Please let me know how things turn out and if there's anything I can do." And then I ran and looked for a horn. (His wife didn't end up being sick, thank god.)

The Whistler
When I'm not simply saying the wrong thing, I'm failing at comedy. Because if you haven't figured it out, I think I'm fucking hilarious. I can tell you a dozen or so times I've gotten in trouble for this at work... including telling someone who hated my guts that we should rock-paper-scissors for who would make the corrections on something that was jacked up. (Note: she cried and said I was mean.) I was trying to ease the tension!

But the best came last week when I realized it was my new temp who was whistling and I was going to have to fire him. I hate whistling, humming, tapping, clapping, thumping, etc at the office. I am fine with loud-talkers, laughers, etc. But any other mouth-noises are infuriating and I will plot the death of their creator.

So my new temp started last Monday. On Thursday I started hearing random whistling. It was intermittent so I couldn't be sure where it was coming from, but I finally caught him. I decided to go ask HR (as a joke) if I could fire someone for whistling or if it's a protected class. I had this whole bit in my head and I was laughing to myself as I headed to see MJ in HR.

Along the way I ran into a friend of mine who manages a different department, Michelle. We paused in the hallway for a 30 second chit chat and I asked for her opinion on firing someone for whistling. As I said this, someone I didn't know walked by us. I didn't think anything of it, because what I'd said was hilarious, right?

Michelle: I just fired that girl. 
Me: Right now? Or like an hour ago? (because the timing matters?)
Michelle: About 5 minutes ago. 
Me: I'm an asshole and I will be walking away now. 

I continued my mission to MJ in HR because suddenly I had TWO ridiculous things to tell her and she loves a good Mel-said-something-stupid story. I told her about the Whistler and asked if I could fire him. (Note: She said I can, but advised coaching him first that people might find it annoying.) I then told her that as I was walking down to see her, I ran into Michelle. And I told her the above.

MJ: That was my niece.
Me: Who is your niece? What?
MJ: The girl they just fired. 
Me: Shut up.... I can't catch a break on this, can I? 
MJ: Oh, no worries. She wasn't doing a good job, but I still don't like the way they handled it. 
Me: I think I should just go home and tell stories to the cats. 

Bus Stop
But probably my most thoroughly mortifying moment was with a guy I dated a few years ago. On our first date he mentioned that both of his parents were dead (it sounds more awkward than it was... well, I was awkward, he was fine). A few dates later, we were taking a nice walk between a movie and dinner  and I was telling some dumb story about work or god knows what. I made the statement about being hit by a bus because this is a very common idiom in my office. "Make sure that's documented in case we're all hit by a bus tomorrow and someone else has to figure this out blah blah blah."

Nate: That's how my mom died. 
Me: What?
Nate: She was hit by a bus. With my little sister. Obviously, my sister survived. 
Me: Shut the fuck up. If this is a joke, this is possibly the meanest joke ever.... Did I just make fun of how your mom died? 
Nate (laughing): I'm not fucking with you. And I'm not trying to make you feel bad. Just saying... that's how my mom died. 
Me: Can we talk about how your dad died now, too, just so I don't do this again? 

I must learn silence.

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Alternative Post title I thought of while driving to work this morning: "I carried a watermelon." Is it too late to get credit for that?