Player Piano

"That man's got a lot of get up and go," said Anita. 

"He fills me full of lie down and die," said Paul.  --Player Piano, Kurt Vonnegut

 I decided this year (and likely beyond) to read all of Kurt Vonnegut Jr's books in the order they were written. I own most of them already and have read many of them, but this seems like an interesting experiment.

The first book, Player Piano, was published in 1952 and takes place in the future (which I'm sure is somewhere around 1980 or so) and shows the problems society faces when industry replaces human productivity. How people are happiest when they're able to produce and engage and set their own course for their lives.


The characters who test well early in their lives get to define themselves by their employment, class, and associations. The characters who don't test well are allowed to choose from two possible life-options: the army or mechanics to the machines which have turned the rest of their lives into an algorithm. In all situations, the people are hungry for achievement. Those at the top will lie, cheat and steal to achieve more and those at the bottom clamor to find self-worth in the work they are allowed to do.

My therapist and I have talked a lot about where definitions of ourselves come from. My mom was a teacher for her entire career and even in retirement finds herself tutoring, coaching, demonstrating... teaching. When she's not doing those things she's depressed. My friends who are parents struggle in varying degrees with feeling like their definition as "parent" is taking over their prior definitions and don't want their whole self-worth wrapped up in that one thing. (Conversely, I struggle, at 35, with what "non-parent" means to me and to the world. What does it say about me?)

And then there are the definitions others gave us along the way that we somehow accept and carry with us. One person can say you're stupid or ugly and suddenly it's the truth for the rest of your life. (This video is amazing and will make you cry, but please watch it and share it. I found it on www.epbot.com.)

So, as Buffy the Vampire Slayer sang: "Where do we go from here?" 

The good news is that definitions are always changing.

Today I am someone who naps with cats, doesn't put on a bra or brush her teeth to do laundry in the communal laundry room, watches Sponge Bob Square Pants, and who love loves loves the blizzard outside.

Tomorrow I will be someone who hates the blizzard that happened, works too many hours, manages people, makes decisions, talks loudly, argues more loudly, and laughs at everything.

Every day I am someone who wants the the world to be a better/happier/nicer place, to be recognized, to learn and earn and achieve; and someone who is an aunt, sister, friend, daughter; and someone who can't imagine a world without kittens. And awkward. I will always be just a little uncomfortable with what just happened, but -- time permitting -- I will tell you about it.

"A psychiatrist could help..." 

Finnerty shook his head. "He'd pull me back into the center, and I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over."  --Player Piano, Kurt Vonnegut