Do I need a jump-start or just a nap?

I'm feeling reflective which is actually somewhat unique for me this time of year as I usually just feel relieved that that the holidays are over but I think I missed them they came and went so quickly. I totally phoned in gift giving and opted for random shit I found in the stocking stuffer sections of stores. So everyone got 3 things from me instead of one thoughtful gift... which turned out okay for most people, but I think I missed the joy from finding that one special thing for everyone.

I was on the phone with WC last night and he said "You sound blue. Is everyone okay?" "Of course. I'm just sad... I mean, I'm just tired" and I wiped away an unnecessary tear that showed up uninvited. Apparently he and my subconscious are on a wavelength my conscious self hadn't caught up with yet. I'd even been congratulating myself on not getting the holiday blues a few days prior. Go me!

Aging makes reflection that much more panic-inducing as I've started to feel like I'm running out of time. OH MY GOD, I ONLY READ 6 BOOKS THIS YEAR? BUT I'M GOING TO DIE SOON AND I PURCHASED 20 BOOKS AND ONLY READ 6 AND THAT'S A TERRIBLE RATIO! 

That panic rarely leads to action, but instead further inaction. An object in motion stays in motion, right? Well this object is running only in circles. Like I have a defective fin and I can only swim to the left. That shit on the right looks neat, but I can only make left turns so it's going to take me a lot of time to get over there. I might as well just settle for what's over here on the left.

During a nice relaxing moment with wine on Christmas Eve, my mother asks "What do you think 2014 will bring?" My heart-rate picked up. What? I don't know. I don't want to think about this. The question was full of optimism and excitement. What grand and wonderful things are in store for us? It filled me with panic and dread. A whole year. It's too big. I don't plan, I just do or don't do.

I'm not the type to make grand resolutions at the new year. I don't want to wait until 1/1 to start being a nicer person. If I should be nicer, I should be nicer now. And I'm not going to wait until 1/1 to go to the gym... I'm going to go now.  New Years has always just been another day on the calendar. But maybe I do need a grand gesture. Some monumental shift in thinking or acting. Something to motivate me to overcome my bum fin and make my way to the right.

And this is where I get stuck. An object at rest stays at rest.

Sometimes I envy my friends with kids because having kids doesn't allow you to stay at rest. No matter what, you have to move. For them. You have to get up and feed them, and make sure they're clothed, and teach them how to be better. I only have to move for me and despite being my own worst critic, I'm also my favorite enabler.

So I start to plan a trip. And then realize I'm probably afraid of going to Mexico alone. Is that a reason to do it or to not do it? Probably both. So I'll plan and I'll replan and maybe I'll go. Maybe you want to go with me? You should. I'm fun.

But is a trip to a tropical resort going to jump-start my life? Do I need a jump-start or just a nap?

I know I need something and that something is in me. It's no one's responsibility but my own and I know this. I'm in control. I own this action or inaction. This success or failure. That's a powerful and motivating thought.

It also kind of sucks.