Glutton-free

For the last 2 years I've given up gluten for the month of January. It's not like a New Year's Resolution as I don't do those, but just a good time of year to make myself more miserable since I'll already be depressed. My acupuncturist thinks being gluten free will help clear up my acne, eczema, and/or depression, and I listen to just enough of her advice to be annoying.

What I've learned over the last 2 years is that I'm definitely on the scale of gluten intolerant... although not bad enough quit it for good. Depending on the volume of my consumption, I might be a little bloated, or I might be begging for my fat pants... 2 sizes up.

In preparation for my month of glutenlessness, I am gluten-loading like it's the day before the big race. (The race being for people running away from the angry bloat-monster I become.) For some reason I got two slices of pizza last night. Now, I know that sounds like something I'd roll my eyes at. Oooh, I had 2 M&Ms... Shut it unless you mean 2 BAGs. These so called "slices" of pizza are bigger than my cat (the small one, but still). This was an unacceptable amount of food. I followed it up by eating what amounted to probably 4-5 cookies.

Look how in love we are...

Today and probably Wednesday (the torture begins on the 2nd), I will get a breakfast burrito. I love breakfast burritos more than most other things in this world. Remember when I loved tacos? That was fleeting. This, my friends, is love eternal. Like Romeo and Juliet love... Why don't our parents understand??

I do know that I could just make a tortilla-less situation as my breakfast burritos are not a fancy concoction of weird things that MUST be contained in the tortilla. They're eggs, potatoes and cheese with green chilis... and sometimes salsa. I could just make eggs and potatoes.

But that's just naked breakfast. It's like leaving your baby outside, naked, in the snow. It's fucked up. Put a tortilla around it and you've wrapped your breakfast in love, devotion, and delicious flour tortilla gluten-full heaven.

I'm not above a breakfast taco. In fact, I love a breakfast taco. But this "love" is like how I love new socks... neat, but not something I crave everyday. Breakfast burrito love is... well... like drinking poison because you think your lover just drank poison so you do, too, only to find out that he/she didn't and it's just that nuts.

You know what else has gluten? Bourbon. Bourbon, my loveliest of lovelies. My over-watered Old Fashioneds and midnight toasts to the elusive Sandman must be set aside... for what? Vodka? Drinking vodka in my jammies at midnight seems like something to call AA about. But bourbon? Bourbon is the height of sophistication...

WC has decided he's going to join me for the experiment so we can both be sad assholes together. The problem is that he's confused about food so when I talk about what we can and can't have it's infuriating. He's a smart guy. Why doesn't this compute?

Him: Can I still have rice? 
Me: Yes. While rice is a grain, it does not contain gluten. 
Him: What about soup? Can I eat soup? 
Me: Some. You have to read the ingredients. A lot of cream-based soups use flour to thicken it. 
Him: Cheese? 
Me: Is cheese a grain? 
Him: I don't know how cheese is made. 
.....
Him: Can I still have avocado because I love avocado and I'm not giving it up. 
Me: Oh my god, really?

Don't tell him I told you this. He'd be furious.

One of my coworkers pronounces "gluten" like "glutton." I don't know why, but I don't have the heart to tell her. So when I'm doing my month of penance for enjoying the unholy grain, she asks, "are you still glutton-free?" I wish. You know what's gluten-free? Candy corn. 

Happy New Years, friends. Be safe. Be merry. Be glutton-full...