I'll have the cornflakes. Hold the wind.

No, I am not dead

Nor am I sick or depressed

I am just busy

This haiku is dedicated to KPR... only because it's a haiku, not because you thought I was dead, depressed or sick because I just texted you 20 minutes ago so I would have told you those things. Anyway: Refrigerator. 

You'll all be surprised to know that my self-diagnosed "cornflake knee" is not actually a real thing. Instead I have "runner's knee" which is completely stupid since I have probably eaten and/or stepped on cornflakes more times than I've jogged. And I do jog. Once a year I decide I want to be a jogger and I get new shoes and I hit the treadmill and I'm totally into it for about 3 months until I stop caring and go back to walking/yoga-ing(?)/ellipticalling/etc. because I don't actually like jogging. 

So, that's what I have. Runner's knee. Or some medical-sounding phrase that is written down on a piece of paper in my purse. Thanks western medicine... 

It started about 4 months ago and at first it kind of hurt a lot. By "a lot" I mean that a real runner would have said "huh" and kept running whereas I said "shit! that fucking hurts" and proceeded to whine about it to anyone who would listen. Including WC... who, as an athletic-type, was very concerned and wanted me to immediately see his orthopedic surgeon and get a new knee. Instead I waited 4 months and then made an appointment with my acupuncturist. 

I've been seeing my acupuncturist, Jessica, on and off for almost 2 years and she's cured/relieved many an ailment, so I figured she could fix the cornflake crunching in my knees as well as this horrible fatigue I've had lately. 

My parents were skeptical when I suggested they see Jessica for their problems, but neither wanted to take pills to ease their pains and are now part of the stick-me-with-tiny-needles fan club. My Mom's arthritis doesn't require daily doses of Aleve and my Dad's shoulder pain doesn't wake him up at night.  These anecdotes are how I have convinced WC that it might help with the pain he has in his foot from decades of running in shitty shoes, lifting weights that are too heavy, and whatever injuries playing football when you're young may cause. 

After my appointment, I told WC that Jessica suggested I might have a torn meniscus and to ask my MD about it. I could hear his jaw drop as he suddenly realized that this practitioner of Traditional Chinese Medicine might have a clue about the human body. He is making an appointment for next week. 

I did not tell him that she also said I have "a lot of wind" and that's why I'm so tired all the time. 

Two weeks later I saw my doctor for the western diagnosis... you know how that went. I didn't ask him about my fatigue because I'm pretty much back to my normal, semi-alert status, but I did ask him if there's any western-world merit to my acupuncturist suggesting I eat red meat to ease my anxiety and depression. He looked at me like I'd just asked him if eating sticks of butter would be good for my eczema and said that a mostly vegetarian diet is his recommendation for overall health. I didn't bring up all my "paleo" friends who seem to be doing fine on their diets of bacon and kale. I've learned to pick my battles. 

I'll probably continue to mix the suggestions of both varieties of medicine based on who says what I want to hear at any given moment. Although, I think acupuncture might win more often since Jessica laughs at my jokes and this doctor was all business. I can't trust someone who doesn't think my hypochondria and self-diagnosis are hilarious. 

So says the one with a lot of wind.
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UPDATED: The haiku was what I was going to write because I've been too busy to write, but then I sat down and wrote so it's stupid. But I'm leaving it. I just wanted to call that out. Carry on.