Things that happened: 2 unrelated stories

I'm not the only one who talked about lying this week. Although the Oatmeal's story is way better than mine and will make you laugh and cry while mine is probably just confusing.

And he can draw pictures of cats shooting kittens out of their vaginas. I just keep using the same picture of Emma as my Facebook profile picture but with various accessories. Doesn't it look like she's saying "Here are some flowers, lady. I love you. Sorry I puked in your shoe..." ? (Also, she did puke in the bed last night... the shoe story is from any other day of the years since I've had her.) Nothing I'm about to say today is a lie. But as we learned from the Oatmeal, lies are good sometimes. 

"Sorry..."

Angels in the Outfield
WC came up to me at the office yesterday, about 9:30a.m.... obviously having just arrived at the office.

Me: Nice of you to show up for work today.
Him: Ha. I just couldn't get out of bed.... Hey, do you have your glasses?
Me: Ummm, yeah? Why?
Him: Can I see them?

He's a weird guy who asks questions I don't understand all the time so while I would normally force someone to tell me why they're being weird, it's usually easier to get to the punchline of whatever is happening with him if I just play along. So I reach into my purse for my glasses and the case is empty.

Me: I guess I left them in the car. Do you really need to see them? I'll give you my car keys.

He reaches in his pocket and pulls them out, looking slightly self-satisfied.

Me: What the hell? They must have fallen out of the car when I was getting all my shit.... Couldn't you have just told me you'd found my glasses instead of playing games?

Him: You're welcome.

Me: Fuck. You're right. I'm sorry. Thank you so much. I would have been truly fucked tonight.

So, then I start to feel really bad that I'd given him a hard time about HOW he returned my very important -- can't-drive-at-night-without-them-and-it's-always-night-during-the-winter -- glasses, so I shot him a note and apologized for being a dick and thanked him profusely. He apologized for playing games too early in the morning. He's a good man.

Throughout the day I kept thinking... Why was he even by my car to have found these? He doesn't go to Starbucks? (I park right next to the pathway people take from the office to Starbucks 18 times a day.) And he doesn't park near me. So I asked him later where he'd found them... I guess they had simply exploded out of my purse/bag/life about 3 feet from the sidewalk I take to the backdoor of the office. While I was kind of in a daze yesterday morning, I don't go about flinging my purse and bags such that something would land 3 feet off the footpath. And then for him to find them? Weird weird weird. Here... I drew you a picture:

I think this is my best drawing yet.

Anyway, it is beyond a miracle that it was WC who found them and brought them to me. He's saved my life repeatedly, so I guess he's my guardian angel or something. My weird guardian angel who is a little more than slightly afraid of commitment. If he's my condiut to Jesus, I'm fucked... but it's better a weird angel, than no angel at all, right?

 

I wanna rock.

This is a story I IM'd to my sister after it happened.



I went for a walk at a park at lunch

I was in the breakroom heating up my lunch when I felt a rock in my shoe

So I took my shoe off, while standing, to dump it out.

like 10 rocks hit the ground

I KNOW I only felt one tiny rock so I shake my shoe again

MORE rocks fall to the ground.

then I realize that every time I shake my shoe, I also lift the shoeless foot and there's like a playground worth of rocks in the cuff of my jeans.

the end.

I swear I'll talk about dating again. Do you care? It's why I started writing but things are pretty boring right now on that front.. If you have any dating stories you'd like to share, please let me know. This doesn't have to be a oneway street. I'll pay you in... drawings.