The Work Crush Chronicles: Episode 1 - The Sweaty Ass

I've known WC for 13+ years. He worked for the same company I joined right out of college. I always respected him, chatted with him, and enjoyed working with him when we'd cross paths, but at that first company, we didn't cross paths much after the first year.

I was super excited when he joined my current company (we'll call it Mayo just so it has a name) because I had enjoyed working with him before. He quickly became my work crush...

It wasn't until I started thinking about this post that I realized how much of my pre-non-relationship with WC has been predicated by a sweaty ass.

And so we begin.

Sweaty Ass #1: 
It was fall of 2010 and I had 4 tickets to a pre-season football game. I gave him two of the tickets and invited my friend Katie to join me.

It was September and still pretty warm out so we were all wearing shorts and t-shirts. Katie and I went inside to grab beers and as I got up I could feel that the plastic seat was not doing my ass any favors. I tried my hardest to just own it as we walked away. But I watch TV... I KNOW men watch women leave. When we were far enough away I told Katie, "I'm pretty sure I have a noticeable sweat mark on my ass."

Katie responded politely that she doubted it...until we were safely inside and she could look without WC and his friend seeing us.

Her: "Umm... Yeah. I guess that's pretty noticeable. We could just say you must have sat in something." 

Me: "Or I could just stand inside until my ass dries." Sigh. 

We got our beers and took ours seats and I made sure to not get up for any reason the rest of the game. And luckily he and his buddy left early so I was not embarrassed again. I don't care if strangers look at my sweaty ass.

Also, fuck you, Loft, for creating such flimsy shorts that my sweat isn't appropriate absorbed. (Shhhh, just kidding. I love you, Loft. I'm sure it's my fault for being a human instead of a lady.)

Sweaty Ass #2: 
At the end of summer 2011, Mayo had a company picnic. I don't have any idea why I wanted to go because I normally skip that kind of thing, but for some reason I went. I was in hell. There was no one there from the office that I wanted to talk to and when I try to make small talk it sounds like 7th grade boys trying to ask 7th grade girls to dance... there's snorting, staring at the ground... horror.

I knew WC and another coworker were working late so I IM'd him from my phone that he should come. Please please please please come and hang out. 

He arrived about 30 minutes later. We had a great conversation with some coworkers and then he went to grab some food.  I suddenly became very aware of the sweat from my ass running down the back of my legs (I was wearing a skirt) and I simply could NOT stay in the sun any longer.

I told him I had to go, I was sorry, but I had to go, and I dashed to my car. In my car I texted him while banging my head against the steering wheel... but with the AC blaring:

- I'm so sorry I made you come and then just left like that. That was so rude of me. 
- I owe you like 10 beers. 
- I promise if you have beers with me, I won't run out after you order the first one. 
- Ugh. I'm sorry I'm an idiot. 

He was gracious and forgiving, but I never (until later) told him why I left so abruptly. How does one say to their work crush "I'm sorry to have left, but my ass was sweating and I freaked out"? So, um, he just thought I was crazy... which seems just as truthful.

Sweaty Ass #3:
I'm going back and forth on even telling this story, because it comes AFTER sort-of-date-#1 so I don't want to jump around awkwardly... but I guess I will...

So, I'm a member of a fancy gym. Every month I can give a friend a free membership for the whole month. At Sweaty Ass #2 event above, he and I had spent a lot of time talking about our respective fancy gyms and he'd said he was really interested in seeing mine so I made him my "VIP" for March (2012). I was very clear about which classes I took and when I was there so he could either avoid me completely or maybe drop in.

I had just started taking a 30 minute rowing class a few weeks before that I loved, but was horrible at. I was settling in when I looked back and saw he was sitting down at a machine just behind me. I made some horrible joke I can't remember and then tried to pretend I was totally okay with what was happening.

I can tell you that I have never in my life rowed as hard as I rowed that day. I have no idea what I looked like, but I'm glad he was looking at my back instead of my face which was probably purple and spitting saliva in an attempt to not die.

We casually walked out of the class together (normally I would go straight over to the mats and stretch for 10 minutes... which looks a lot like just laying down to the casual observer), but I stood there with him and talked and stayed upright and conscious. As the conversation was winding down he said, "So, do I get to hang out with you again?" 

Are you fucking kidding? I got asked out AT the gym? My supreme dream of all places for someone to not be repulsed by me? I acted casual and said "Definitely. Let's do something this weekend!"

I walked away, knowing full well that I had a line of sweat pooling below my boobs and there was no way I didn't have ass sweat marks on my shorts from the rowing machine plastic seats. But I owned it. I got asked out with ass sweat.

In Summary: 
I don't think I have an unusually sweaty rear, but maybe I do. And the shorts from Event #1? Yeah, I sweated through those on another occasion so I will call that a manufacturer defect vs a real problem with me. I'm fine. My ass is totally normal.