As Seen on TV

My gym offers fruit; usually apples and bananas. I stepped out of my car this evening only to slip on a banana peel that someone had kindly tossed on the ground. I was unaware that one actually COULD slip on a banana. If only I'd paid attention to all those Scooby Doo and Looney Tunes cartoons from my childhood... I probably still wouldn't have noticed the peel under foot, but I wouldn't have felt as foolish.

Do bananas wear Chuck Taylors?

Important life lessons I HAVE learned from TV and Movies:

1. "The Truth is Out There."  Seriously, Mulder was right. It is out there. But you might not care to know it. I'm just saying...

2. "Don't Panic." Second only to "Always bring a towel." (Yes, I know it was a book first.) Coming from someone with an anxiety disorder, I do have to remind myself regularly to not panic. It's good advice although hard to put into practice when there's so much time to decide everyone else is going to be taller/fitter/smarter/quieter/ cleaner than you are and then freak out about it. It's like there's no time to be calm. I only have time to worry about a conversation that will likely never happen, but what if my boss did say "blah blah blah blah" and I would be all "You can't talk that way to me, Asshat! That's right, I called you an Asshat. You're a hat for someone's ass." And then freak out that I'd have to find a new job.

Also, it can't hurt to have that towel. What if you get wet? Or cold? Or your pants fall off and you need to cover up?

3. "Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably.  The lesson is, never try." Wait. Let's try another.  "Salad. It's what food eats." Homer Simpson is failing me. I'll stick with Lisa who, despite her know-it-all-ness, always sticks to her convictions and still loves her family. Do that. Or Ralph... you can't beat his childish innocence.

Tardis. 

4. "It's bigger on the inside." If you already know what this is from, you're my new best friend. Sorry, Old Best Friend. I've given you ample opportunity to join me in Doctor Who and you still suggest it's too nerdy. Well YOU'RE too nerdy! If you're a nerd like my old best friend and you don't watch, then the Tardis is a police box (to the right) that the Doctor and his Companions (not prostitutes) travel in through space and time. On the outside it's just a box. On the inside HUGE... and apparently has a pool. Just watch the fucking show, okay...

Anyway, I think the concept of "it's bigger on the inside" is a great analogy for life. It looks like a little box from the outside: birth, school, job, marriage, kids, retirement, death. But within each of those things is so much more. You can build an entire universe in any one of those and if you happen to skip a few or add a few extra? Well, so be it! You get to decorate your life with something else!

Also, David Tennet makes my knees wibbly wobbly (which we really should talk about...my  knees, not David Tennet... but I would talk about him if you wanted... because he's dashing).

The Doctor in the Tardis. See how it's totally bigger inside?

5. "There is no 'I' in team, but there is an 'i' in pie. And there's an 'i' in meat pie. Meat is the anagram of team..." I'm sure most people would point out the life-saving zombie-evading tips from Shaun of the Dead as the lesson in all this, but I think the above is a better lesson. Be a vegetarian or a team player. You can't be both.

6. The Kids are Always Right. This is courtesy of every Wes Anderson film ever made and is true even if the kids are adults. Parents, with few exceptions and while still trying their best, are not to be trusted with your dreams. You have to make those for yourself.  Whether it's running a bee keepers club, or falling for you adopted sister/brother, or running away from your scout camp to create your personal utopia, Children of the World, parents just don't understand.

7. "Grrrr... Arg." In the closing credits of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, creator and mastermind Joss Whedon's little vampire drawing crosses the screen with that phrase. I don't know what it means, but it's brilliant and I sometimes wonder if getting a TV-show-related tattoo is something you can still do in your 30s.

I guess the lesson is that vampires don't sparkle... and I've never read Twilight. Is that from Twilight? Moving on...

8. If you get sick, give your doctor 3 tries to diagnose. Because that's now long it takes to be diagnosed. Three times. And you might die from the first two treatments, but then you'll probably live.

9. I tried thinking of lessons from 90210, but that was a shitshow and all you can learn is that your best friend will always steal your boyfriend/girlfriend while you're in France for the summer and that's not really helpful.Well, it might be helpful, but it's not uplifting and I'm trying to be positive.

10. Banana peels ARE slippery. See above.

Grrr... Arg.

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