Taco To-Day: Wedding Bells and Armpit Farts are Ringing

Dined here twice this past weekend. 

First I have to apologize for taking the blog down on Friday. I got nervous because of an exchange that happened prior to the arrival of WC at the wedding venue. I'll explain shortly because it's important that you start listening to the Weekend Wedding Theme Song I dedicated to Kelly. It was meant to prevent  any freak outs or nervous behavior. This song is meant not just for dancing, but for clapping, bouncing, and double fist-pumping. I'm not sure anyone else would nominate it for the weekend, but shut up and play along with me.

Back to the blog take down. Thursday, while tying tiny little bows on programs, the Mother-of-the-Bride says to me: Why aren't I allowed to read your blog? 

Me: Kelly! Why would you tell your mom she's not allowed to read my blog?

Kelly: Because you said she couldn't read it! I'm not in trouble here. I just told her what you told me!

Me: I didn't know I had to tell you not to tell your mom I told you not to let your mom read the blog...

But really... it's just that I post things here about dating that are a little more than PG-13 and I've known Kelly's mom since I was 7. Since I still pretend I've never had sex when talking to my mom, why wouldn't I do the same with hers?

I eventually told her she could read it AFTER the weekend ended, but like I mentioned in my last post, I worried someone would drunkenly tell WC about the blog and I'd have to explain to him (super Private Guy) why I air my dirty laundry here.

After the ceremony I ran into my Life Coach (I offered to employ one of my Facebook friends to make decisions for me at a $10/year salary... Of all the applicants, I hired Chris who I know because of Kelly and was therefore at this wedding). I introduce my Life Coach and his girlfriend to WC.

Chris immediately dives in with: Oh my god, I am loving your blog. I send it to everyone. Your post about Ski Pants killed me. (Thank you, Chris... I mean it... I'm totally flattered now that I'm not terrified... Also, you might be fired for breach of the confidentiality provisions you didn't know you signed because you didn't sign anything.)

I pretended it was just normal conversation which was good because WC thought it was a discussion about over-sharing on Facebook.

Weekend highlights in order of my favorite absurdities:

5. After having my dress altered, the alteration lady at Nordstroms mentioned it would be hard to get the zipper up and to have one person hold at the bottom and top of the zipper while another zipped me up. The mother and an aunt of the groom were haphazardly selected to help me with this endeavor which was more embarrassing than either of my "shapewear" adventures. Kelly, from the make-up chair hollered "You doing okay over there?" To which I could only reply that this wasn't the most humiliating thing I could imagine since I hadn't yet shit myself. Luckily, the groom's 17 year old sister and wonderful bridesmaid kicked her relatives off the job and had me in my dress in a matter of seconds. Sam is also not allowed to read my blog, however.

Don't worry. We drank champagne, too.

4. Despite the picture of the Taco Truck at the beginning of the post, I didn't eat tacos all week. I did however enjoy a vegetarian burrito the day I arrived in California and then we got 3... buckets? ... baskets?... troughs of nachos while we were getting ready for the wedding. Consider this the last installment of Taco To-Day. I don't eat tacos as often as I thought.

3. After the rehearsal dinner Friday night and with the help of 7 and 9 year old boys, the groom's little sister and I decorated 250 cupcakes in about 2 hours. Those cupcakes were contaminated with the finger swipes of at least a dozen people... mostly the boys, but I fear the bride was also not concerning herself with health codes.

2. DURING the rehearsal dinner, the 7 year old, Ethan, I can only assume was trying to fill the dinner-eating silence, blurted out "It's been awhile since you guys have heard my armpit farts." I cried so hard trying not to choke from laughter.

1. After getting the beautiful bride all strapped into her dress, her garter belt shoved high up on her leg, and her shoes strapped on her feet she says "There's no way I can pick this wedgie." Another bridesmaid, not me, determines this is not a hurdle of which she is afraid, dives under the dress and gets everything in its place. No one tells you this stuff on the "What to Expect When You're Expected to Know How to be a Bridesmaid" sites. I did find you a theme song, though, Kelly. I'd like credit for that.

As fucked up as this looks, this is just bustling...
 no wedgies. 

Happy Wedding. It was amazing and beautiful and WC was... well... swooooon...

I'll leave you with a picture of a mosquito bite that I got over an old mosquito bite I got in 2006. I was in India and had stopped taking my malaria pills because they made me nauseous. I'm pretty sure the scar tissue was protecting me from the malaria and the new mosquito bite has released the venom into my veins and I will be ... well... sick with 6 year old malaria. Which is possibly better than 7 year old malaria, because then it would be all armpit farts at dinner..

Can you see the two different sock lines? Sexy.