I'm an excellent driver.

There's been a reoccurring theme in my relationship conversations (internal monologues and external dialogs) of the concept that we accept the relationships we think we deserve. Alternatively stated: We get what we ask for. (Not to be confused with "We get what we deserve"...that's very different than what we THINK we deserve. Note the subtle difference.)

This theme surfaced again most recently in "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" which I saw alone on Black Friday and cried so hard I nearly suffocated myself trying to swallow audible sobs. (2 stars out of 5 if you want my rating. Everything makes me cry so the cry-o-meter is no indication of its cinematic prowess.) Even in the trailer there's a quote "Why do I, and everyone I love, pick people who treat us like we're nothing?"

My therapist and I talk about patterns a lot. Patterns of behavior. Thought patterns. Blarg. I hate patterns. I hate the concept that we get stuck in a loop of activity that is detrimental to us and yet we do it over and over. She asks me if I think I deserve to be happy. "I think I think I do."

I have a dear friend who has been cheated on by every single boyfriend she's ever had. What does that mean? Does she attract them or are they attracted to her?  Does this mean she thinks she deserves this and therefore she subconsciously searches for it?

There's lots written on women who find themselves in physically abusive relationships over and over. It's not even just that they go back to their one abuser, but they go from one abusive relationship to another. Why would someone think they deserve that?

I know that identifying patterns is an important step in therapy, but whenever my therapist points one out, I get defensive. Because, you see, I'm above all of that. I am a unique snowflake and do not fit into her boxes of psychotherapy. I have been going to her twice a week for 18 months because I am a sane person who simply likes to talk about herself... sometimes in the third person.

• I've had one boyfriend who was verbally abusive, possessive and mean. (Aka Turd 1.)

• I've been cheated on by only one boyfriend that I know of. I knew he would do it, but I also believed he wouldn't. (Aka Turd 2.)

• I have a grab bag of exes who were kind, smart, in varying spaces of emotional availability, all sizes and shapes (although with some unintentional "types" being set)... all of whom broke up with me or I with them for mostly non-controversial reasons.

See how I totally don't have a pattern?

These are the lies I tell myself.

The truth is, I don't trust my guts. After Turd 1 and Turd 2, I spent so much time abusing myself for not getting out sooner I stopped trusting myself to make smart relationship choices. So for a long time I didn't and just casually dated people and kept them at arm's length or dated no one at all.

Once I got bored with that, I tried again. That's when I found my One-Who-Got-Away (OWGA).  OWGA, who was in it as much as I was... because he just was. OWGA, who emoted as much/as little as I did and was patient and kind when I needed a little more. OWGA, the one who seemed to get me. But we didn't live in the same state and it stopped being enough for him/he chickened out/other lies I tell myself. And my heart broke.

And I was supposed to get over it a lot faster than I did, according to some. And I knew in my head that sometimes relationships just end, but in my heart it was my fault for not seeing it coming and stopping it... or fixing it.

And so I question:

• Is that a quirk or a deal breaker?

• Am I settling or compromising? 

• Is that tone condescending or endearing? 

• Shouldn't he want me to meet his mother by now? 

• Why would he want me to meet his mother already? 

• Why would he say "unicorns aren't real"? That's just mean. Is that mean? Who are you? Why are you eating cereal out my omelet pan?

My real pattern is that I'm not very nice to myself and I believe in my head that the bad things that happen to me are things I should have been able to control. Is that the same thing as not thinking I deserve a good relationship? I think I think I do.

Today is my 10 year anniversary of not smoking. I smoked from ages 15 to 25. That habit was so much easier to break than turning off the voice in my head that can't seem to figure out why no one else is listening.