Wednesday is the new Friday.

I have to admit I was SUPER excited when I got the holiday cup from Starbucks the day after Halloween. Some years I'm definitely a grinch and others, like this year, I'm ready to put up lights and listen to Christmas music November 5th. In honor of my Christmas cheer, I'd like to offer a guide for people struggling for gift ideas.

For kids who aren't allowed to play video games. The Snoopy Snow Cone Machine was something I had as a child and thought was brilliant. I can only hope the technology has improved in the last 25 years because we'd usually get so annoyed trying to use it that my sister and I would actually go outside and get real snow to put the colored syrup on. If it had snowed. Otherwise it was just sadness. You can buy this here.

For Doctor Who-loving dorks who are also not remotely interested in saving space on their desks, I present you with a 4 port USB hub that is likely bigger than your laptop, but will notify all passersby that you love Doctor Who and you have no interest in being promoted because it will interfere with the next Con.  

For 12 year olds boys. Even if you're a 45 year old woman, you can be a 12 year old boy and this farting Santa pillow will truly frighten off anyone who might be seated next to you on airplane. Two birds? One farting pillow shaped like an old white man's ass.

For your uncle. Or that same 12 year old boy. Why are farts funny? I mean, I get it that farts are funny when it's from a baby because they're so sweet and innocent...it's like how baby poops are acceptable conversation pieces... but grownups? Grown-up farts and poops aren't funny. At least not enough for all this gag-gifting nonsense. 

For people you hate, but you still have to buy for. Can we be done with bacon yet? Really, if you love bacon enough to wear it as a scarf you might not NEED a scarf as you might not have a neck.

For people who hate themselves, but you still have to buy for. This site is full of things like this.

For women who like to be confused by their clothes. Why? Why is this buttoned in the back? Why can't this just be a pull-over? Why?

For bachelors who will never ever invite a woman over (NSFW). Never. Ever. 

What not to buy for anyone. This is kind of brilliant. The comments are good, too.

What to buy for everyone. (NSFW). I get it that if I don't think farts are funny, I shouldn't think this is, but I laughed until I cried. Great Black Friday deals on electronics broken down for you by John Barrowman (Doctor Who/Torchwood) and Matt Mira (Nerdist Podcast, etc). Funny and insightful. 

What to buy for me: I will accept this. No questions asked. I'd prefer black.

But for real, I love Christmas (this year) and I will be hanging up my half-tree and wrapping gifts for all my friends and drinking bourbon-spiked cider and eating more cookies than I should. Happy Holidays. (Yes, I know I should wait to post this until after Thanksgiving, but you can just choose to wait to read it until then. Deal?)