Cyber Monday: A Haiku or two

On Monday web shops

advertise their best prices.

I want stupid crap!

Cyberman

Free gift if I buy,

and you won't tell me the prize?

Manipulators

Here's an unrelated article on Cyberstalking, legally (?), because I was trying to think of words that included "Cyber" that were creepy, but this is beyond creepy. Way to go, eHow. Also, I didn't really read the article because I should be cleaning my house but instead I'm writing online shopping haiku(s). 

Free shipping you say? 

Yes, I do need that bullshit.

Freight is for suckers.

So this just happened. I've been eyeing this desk at Crate & Barrel for a few weeks because my old desk from West Elm is totally in the shitter. The fake wood veneer is peeling off, the rubber on the wheels is wrecked and torn (my desk is an old wood-paneled station wagon apparently)... But it still performs its function as a desk. It's just not as pretty as it was 2.5 years ago.

So right... eyeballing this desk at Crate & Barrel and then I got the Cyber Monday email from them that everything is 15% off and you get free freight and wahooo free freight! So I email my friend Katie because any purchase over $100 requires collaboration and I'm single, so she is nominated:

http://www.crateandbarrel.com/reese-ebony-compact-office/s447404
15% off plus free delivery. Is my existing desk that is falling apart worth replacement at $200? Am I just a consumer? Why do I think I NEEED things I don't need? 

And then I read the fine print and it's only free if it's not furniture or if it IS furniture then only if you've spent over $1000. When I'm on Amazon I will ALWAYS fill my cart to the $25 = free freight limit, but this desk is about $200 so I didn't think I should fill my cart with $800 of stuff just for free freight... not that it wouldn't be fun, but it's definitely not in my budget. So even though she hadn't written back, I replied to her:

nevermind... shipping isn't free. Maybe i should go to the store and look at it?

For the record. There is a Crate and Barrel 3 miles from my house and 2 blocks from the gym where I was 2 hours ago, but was too lazy to stop because it's cold, I was hungry, and I didn't really shower after working out so I was only grocery-store presentable. Not mall-store presentable.

Anyway, I kept staring at the pictures online. From various angles. Until I'd completely talked myself out of it. But because it was only fair for Katie to not get emotionally invested in the decision, I replied to the email again (even though she still hadn't written back):

Nevermind. I totally don't want it at all now because it's cold out and the store is far and 15% isn't worth the effort. 

Also, I just ate a cookie and I feel a little sick. I'm sure I'm fine. And it was probably the soup and not the cookie. Cookies would never make a person sick. That's just madness. 

I do this a lot. Convince myself I'm going to buy something, get all the way to the online shopping check-out and then abandon my cart. Can you imagine if people did this in real life? Maybe they do? Is that the same as taking 20 things to a dressing room and leaving them all in there?

I've just decided it's not the same. It would be the same as taking 20 things to the counter, letting the cashier ring you up, bag everything, and just casually wandering off without giving them your credit card. Except online there's no confusion on the part of the friendly cashier.

If I'd really wanted the desk I would have posed the question to Facebook. Facebook friends will always convince me I need to purchase a flimsy cotton dress on October 1st because it's practical for Colorado fall/winter.

If my looks could kill

These horrid shopping websites...

Where's my credit card?

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Please note: This post was not sponsored by Crate & Barrel or the crappy furniture makers at West Elm (just kidding, I have a bed from West Elm and it's holding up just fine). However, if either company would like to advertise on my blog, I promise to only say nice things about whatever they want to ship to me for free. Just so they know... 

Second note: Katie isn't a slack friend. Those emails spanned about 15 minutes... during which she was probably reading books to her children and tucking them in to bed. 

Third note: I feel fine now. Thanks for asking. Sometimes when I'm shopping online I eat too fast and I get a belly ache. It was definitely not the cookie. Speaking of cookies, the everything cookies at Whole Foods are to die for. And had it made me sick would have been totally worth it.