How to Give Thanks in 25 Steps

Wednesday

Step 1: Spend $100 at Whole Foods. Arrange food on counter attractively.  

First Distraction: Realize you really are a fire hazard.

Text to WC with the above picture: I don't even realize how much flammable shit I put on the stove top. You should see the iron I have on the floor in my bedroom. It's off but those wily cats...

WC: Note to self: find a way to show Melicious that towels and paper will not hurt being set on the table, or kitchen island and are better off than on the stove. And make sure WC does this without telling her what to do... it has to be subconscious... or even better, WC, it comes as a helpful hint from PBR or CNN. 

Me: I moved the bread and unplugged the iron. You've invaded my subconscious... So your mission is accomplished. You've saved my life. 

Step 2: Do the dishes so there's room to actually cook.

Second Distraction: Decide to unpack from trip to Santa Fe.

Step 3: Open wine you said you wouldn't drink because you already gained 5lbs and you haven't eaten anything holiday related so the least you can do is not drink the day before the holiday. Fail.

Step 4: Chop and saute all sorts of shit.

Step 5: Arrange things awkwardly in bowls you will later drop on the floor and possibly break.

I'll miss you, green bowl.

Step 6: Clean as you go. And use all the little prep bowls your mom bought you. But mostly continue to pour wine as you go.

Step 7: Cook shit. Like this stuffed delicata squash from Shutterbean.

Fourth Distraction: Cat snuggle break.

Step 8: Store shit... So you can just reheat it tomorrow before you go to friends' house. Wild rice stuffing. 

Step 9: Chop up more stuff for brunch with the parents tomorrow so you can get up late and not stress.

Step 10: Drink more wine and then fall asleep (not pictured).

Thursday:

Fifth Distraction: Go to the gym. Seriously. You're about to consume a lot of calories. 30 minutes on the treadmill will do.

Step 11: Take some of the chopped items from step 9, beat up a whole bunch of eggs, grate some cheese, and put the omelet in the oven.

Step 12: Shower (not pictured).

Step 13: Close the bedroom door so parents don't see that you didn't/never make the bed and didn't even really unpack like you said you did yesterday (see above).

Step 14: Using more chopped items from #9 above, prepare skillet hash with mutlicolored potatoes.

Step 15: Parents arrive. Eat.

Broccoli mushroom quiche with swiss cheese
and sunflower seeds. 

Step 16: Regret. Take a walk. Realize how awesome your parents are and how lucky you are to have them. Also, mom left half the coffee cake for you to eat tomorrow. Love that woman!

Step 17: Heat up the food from last night. Curl hair while waiting.

Step 18: Drive to friends' house.

Step 19: Drink.

Fancy beer people brought and the fancy flutes we drank it from.
Please notice the kid's table in the background. Awesome. 

Sixth Distraction: Color "indian" mask with Lila. Don't discuss that they're Native Americans and that the concept of the first dinner in America is kind of a sham.

 Step 20: Worry no one will like what you brought.

Not all of this is mine. 

Step 21: Someone has to carve the Turkey. Joe was nominated by his wife by saying "Last time he carved a turkey he cut himself."

And once again he did. 

Step 22: Someone ELSE has to carve the Turkey. This time with less bleeding.

Step 23: Eat.

Step 24: Drink. See #19 above.

Step 25: Be thankful.

I'm particularly thankful for toddlers in footie pajamas. 

And for my wonderful friends, family, life, loves, health, happiness, fingers, toes, cats, food, wine, cheese, couch, bed.... For reals.