Lessons in Corporate Douchery

It's been a rough work week. For those of you who know me in real life, you know I have a weird job that I alternatively hate and feel cultishly devoted to. At a very high level, I manage Procurement for a technology company. "Procurement" sounds important, but it just means I negotiate the purchase of stuff... mostly equipment I don't understand and labor services to put that equipment together. This means my entire job is to be a customer at all times. And since the customer is always right, I have free reign to be a gigantic douche to my vendors. And then vendors offer me free tickets to things and buy me lunch and shit. It's a pretty cool gig.

Not Cody. Just a representation. 

This summer I was allowed to hire two people to work from me so I didn't go crazy working 80 hours a week... which was nice because it freed up some time so I could start blogging about work.

I have this temp working for me who I'll call Cody (not his real name) only because he reminds me of an eager puppy and I feel like naming a puppy Cody. Super smart, but not exactly house-trained. I mean, he doesn't shit on the floor or anything, but sometimes Cody just can't hold it. He's so eager to learn I was immediately exhausted by him. CODY! Go eat from the litter box!

A few weeks into his time with me he IMs:

"Is it weird that G****** PO's are my favorite to do because I can type G***** with just my left hand?"

And then: 

"Fact of the day - stewardess is the longest such word."

Cody is new to the corporate workforce and started his post-collegiate career as a concierge in a fancy hotel in New York City. While this doesn't EXACTLY translate into success in business, it does mean he's used to people yelling at him and he doesn't cry easily. I found these assumptions to be true and quite beneficial to the job at hand. 

While he's okay with the fact that my company is populated by self-important ego-maniacs, his skills appeasing self-important tourists in NY has not made him tough BACK, and an important part of a Procurement position is to take the rage we get from our internal customers and turning that rage onto our vendors. We call it "cost savings." He IMs me today:

Cody:  Not being able to get Lynn to budge on that A***** order mixup bugs me.  I need to work on my corporate A-hole skills.

me:  if you're annoyed, then you're on your way. 

Cody: Where did you get yours?

me:  my assholery?

Cody:  yep

me:  My first manager was the HUGEST jerk.

learned what I can get away with.

and how far I personally am willing to go.

but I was probably a jerk before that

and by "probably" I mean I was born this way

So if any of my readers want to know what it's like to work for me, that's one little glimpse into the mentorship I offer. In the first month of How to be a Corporate Asshole, you can expect the following:

1. I will be impatient that you don't remember something I never told you. 

2. I will ask you why you did something the way I told you to do it because it's now annoying. 

3. When you ask me a question, I will respond with "Good luck with that."

4. I will write long emails about how I want things done, implying that you're doing it wrong. I'll end the email with "You're doing a great job. Keep up the good work."

5. When you stop by my desk and I'm on the phone but you don't notice, I will point at my Time-Life Operator headset and mouth "On the phone" like you've just interrupted the performance of brain surgery even though the reality is that I'm not even listening to the call because I started reading Facebook, CNN, or I'm just imagining my next conversation with WC. 

6. When I set up a meeting to talk about how your'e doing, I will buy you coffee. 

7. When we're in that meeting to talk about how you're doing, I will ask how I'm doing, because really... that's what I care about. 

8. And when you ask where I learned how to be a corporate asshole, I will tell you about the first boss I ever had in corporate-land and how she wasn't a bitch, she was just "adamant." 

As Cody is likely being stolen from me for another role in the company, I will have a temporary role available soon if you're interested. Every 4-6 weeks there's free coffee involved and the chance to further talk about me. 

Next semester's lessons in "How to be a Corporate Bigshot but Still Wear Little Underpants" is being taught by my boss. My course is a pre-requisite. 

I miss college.