Awkward Embrace

Would you be surprised to know that I'm bad at hugging?

Or that I'm bad at drawing?

I wasn't raised in an unfeeling home. My parents hugged me all the time. Still do. Once I'm in a romantic relationship and all physical contact has been previously initiated by that partner, I'm great at hugging, and snuggling, and hand holding. I love it.

However, outside of my parents and well established romantic relationships, I'm a social outcast at hugging. Some may theorize it's my parents' midwestern upbringing. But I was raised in Colorado. We wear jeans to everything. We're laid back. We hug. Or some people do....


When I meet someone new at the office, I reach my hand out and we shake hands. This makes sense to me and I understand this convention. I am even good at this. But when I meet someone at a party or on a first date do we shake or hug? And who initiates? Am I the initiator because I'm female? Or does it go by height? How long do I need to know someone before we're supposed to be hugging? Who the fuck is in charge of this? And who hugs at the gym? I keep seeing this.

Note: I can't draw. I just found this paint app for my Mac and started playing with it. The drawings will not get better with time, I promise. 

One arm high. One arm low. 

I feel like this is the High School BFF hug. And like the first kiss you're just supposed to know to tilt your head to the right first. Otherwise, who decides which arm is high and which is low? I feel like this is the hug that includes a pat on the back and is very quick. Like a Bro-hug. I don't know. I'm not a Bro. When Bro's hug is it High-Low? I'll have to watch for this. 

Bend-and-hug

Yes. Those are boobs. 

This is the bend-at-the-waist-so-our-boobs-don't-touch-hug. Maybe men do this too so their weiners don't accidentally graze. This is the hug I give my coworker who works out of state who has started hugging me when she's in town. It's like we're barely even touching. (It looks like we're making out but I promise I have only kissed one of my coworkers.)

Horizontally challenged hugging. Maybe this is my problem...

Yes, Daddy?

Maybe my problem is that I'm short and I don't know what to do with tall people. It makes sense to just reach out at the height your arms would naturally reach from, but then when I get in there I feel like a child. This is 100% fine when hugging your 6'4" boyfriend and getting that cozy, safe and warm feeling. But hugging your friend's husband or a male coworker (when did this coworker thing start being okay???) and I suddenly feel emasculated. Which is stupid because I'm not a man, so I am already failing in that department. 

Nipple-licking Face-smash

So I'm short and he's tall (usually). And I want the hug. I do. But my face gets smashed in his nipples and it's awkward. WC would say "you're thinking to much." Shut up. That doesn't sound like something I would do. 

But sometimes I tip-toe. 

Tippy Toe

Those are toes. Not doing a plie. 

But really I only do this with someone I'm dating because otherwise it's super weird. And eventually my toes hurt. Or I lose my balance.

Side Hug

The other day I went to see a friend at the hospital after she had her baby. Her husband was there, of course. He and I have met and chatted numerous times. Great guy. But as I was leaving he came in for the goodbye hug at a weird angle and I couldn't tell if I was going to get the face smashed hug, or a side hug. So I reached out both arms... only to get the side hug which left one arm with no agenda. It just floated out in front of us awkwardly. I walked to the car praying my useless arm would fall off and save us both the humiliation of its continued existence. 

Awkward arm is circled so you don't think I just
lost control of my drawing. Which I did, but
only a little. 

I really love same-height hugging. Chin on opposing shoulder. Arms falling naturally where they should.... (not pictured... can't draw that). 

So, to my hugging friends, please help me. I need the practice. Some of you are just naturals at hugging and take charge. I relax knowing the expectation and that your nipples either in my face or grazing mine is totally fine and okay. You know who you are and I love you. 

I think I've frightened off some of my other friends by never initiating. Don't be offended. I just don't know the rules. I know that the next time you see me, you're going to want to hug me just  to see how having written about it makes me that much more uncomfortable... and you should. Because practice makes perfect. And I promise I will never ever bite your nipples even if smashed against them because that would be rude. 

Also, when is cheek kissing appropriate? I never know so I don't do it. And is it one cheek or two?

This post is dedicated to my partner is awkward-hugs. You know who you are. You are not alone. We should hug more.