Dipping your Buttered Bread

I've done some internet dating. I'm not ashamed. I'm not necessarily proud either, but as someone who is typically annoyed by the guys who approach me at a bar (not that it happens often), I have to meet men somehow, right?

So I've been online and offline multiple times and one learns to screen their candidates to narrow the field of potential suiters. Deal breakers, in order of how fast I will click off their profile:

1. No profile picture. Call me vain. I care that the potential father of the children I don't want has all of his teeth. Or a nice bridge.

2. Poor spelling/grammar/usage of "ur" and the number 2 when writing "too" or "to"... just write the damned word out.  Also, write in paragraphs, man. And punctuate. Typos are cool. I make them.

3. Saying you want a girl to be less than 125lbs. Do you know how much that actually is on a girl with muscle? Anyway, I don't qualify, but now I'm insulted. Moving on.

4. Anger. Why are so many guys so angry about this process? It's dating. It's weird. Take a valium. And while you're at it, toss me one.

5. Mentioning they don't want a girl with drama. People have drama, asshole. Yes, some people are more drawn to it, but mentioning that you want a low maintenance partner is like asking for your dressing on the side and then dipping your buttered bread into it (like I do)... actually I have no idea why it's like that, but if you want to complete the metaphor, I'll mail you $1.

6. Hating pets. I have them so this just has to be a deal breaker. Here's a picture of my cats trying murder each other... or have sex. It's hard to say... except it's murder.

7. Kids. I don't want to birth babies so a guy who wants a breeder is not going to work. It's limited my playing field a bit, but it's definitely a deal breaker. That said, the guy has to like kids. I like kids. I just don't want one hanging out in my uterus and later puking on my shirt. I've entertained dating a guy WITH kids because I do think I'd be a super step-mom, but I haven't even gotten to the point of meeting someone's kids... so... we'll see. 

8. Smoker or drug user or admitter to drinking all.the.time. I'm old. I like 2 glasses of wine and a warm bed. I don't like hang overs. I don't like the smell of cigarettes. That said, I'm wary of dudes who don't drink at all... because then I feel judged that there's a box of wine in my fridge. My dirty, mostly empty fridge. 

9.  Someone who is super religious in any way or a republican. I've dated republicans and don't take them off the list of potentials when I meet them in the world, but when it's online, it just seems exhausting. (See also "Single at 35"... which links to nothing, but I'm sure I'll post about it someday.)

10. Someone who doesn't understand lists must be divisible by 5. Or someone who is chronically unemployed. Partially because I'm crazy about debt, partially because I like when I'm not always the one footing the bill, and mostly because I'd be jealous that they weren't at work all day and I'm ugly when I'm jealous. It looks sort of like this:

Okay, that's just cute... Sometimes I get jugly (jealous-ugly) confused with cute. Or never, but I don't have a picture that shows that emotion. 

Jugly should catch on. Like Hangry. Figure it out.