Eyes Wide Open

Dear Bruno, 
I didn't know I knew you until I was forced to Google "you tossed it in the trash" because my stupid fitness instructor keeps playing your song while we cool down and it's catchy. The trash part.  I like when people throw stuff away... 
As your target audience likely isn't as savvy as I about matters of the heart (being that they're all 12 year olds), I wanted to make clear some concerns I had since you are, in fact, not 12.

I get it. It looks a little like an anatomically
correct heart... and a grenade. Neat. 

You are, actually, almost 28 years old. The internet told me so. That means you released this song when you were 26. Now that I'm 36 I can see the difference in how love looks between 26 and 36, but unless you're 16 this whole thing is just weird. 

Easy come, easy go, that's just how you liveOh, take, take, take it all but you never giveShould've known you was trouble from the first kissHad your eyes wide open, why were they open?

Possibly because you were kissing a 16 year old and she was startled when the 26 year old was kissing her... But seriously, how did YOU know her eyes were open unless yours were? Maybe she was just checking to see if you closed your eyes or not.... Ever think of that? 

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trashYou tossed it in the trash, you didTo give me all your love is all I ever asked'Cause what you don't understand is

Dude, you guys have kissed once and you already gave her everything? Maybe she was doing you a favor? Maybe all your shit sucked...

And she might still love her mom... Did you want that love, too? Because that's fucked up. 

I'd catch a grenade for yaThrow my hand on a blade for yaI'd jump in front of a train for yaYou know I'd do anything for ya

Who and/or what is "ya"? And why on earth would she want you to cut yourself? I think what you did was actually dodge a bullet. Or she did. 

I would go through all this painTake a bullet straight through my brainYes, I would die for you, babyBut you won't do the same
No, no, no, no

There it is. She dodged the bullet. Personally, I want someone to spend my life with. Not someone I have to prevent from running in front of moving trains. Or taking a bullet to the brain. How can he be my sugar daddy if he's dealing with the after affects of a gunshot wound? 

Black, black, black and blue, beat me 'til I'm numbTell the devil I said, hey, when you get back to where you're fromMad women, bad women, that's just what you are, yeahYou'll smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car

Are you still talking about love when this bitch ripped the brakes out of your car? Therapy... get some. 

If my body was on fireOoh, you'd watch me burn down in flamesYou said you loved me, you're a liar'Cause you never, ever, ever did, baby

It's really hard to love someone who is constantly trying to off themselves for you. Truth. 

But darling, I'd still catch a grenade for yaThrow my hand on a blade for yaI'd jump in front of a train for yaYou know I'd do anything for ya
I would go through all this painTake a bullet straight through my brainYes, I would die for you, babyBut you won't do the same

Call it long term planning, but I want someone who would bake a cake for me. Or detail my car for me. And I could really get on board with someone who wrote a song about those things. (Kickstarter, anyone?)

No, you won't do the sameYou wouldn't do the sameOoh, you never do the sameNo, no, no, no

Because I'm old, Bruno. I'm old, and I'm tired, and I don't want to be on fire, or have to rescue your ass all the time. Grow up. And quit wearing a fedora. This I guy I dated in my building wears one and I'm pretty sure he's 46 and he's a lawyer and mostly balding and he also thinks he looks cool, but he looks silly. (I have nothing against balding, 40+, lawyers unless they are douches and wear a fedora.) 

In all honesty, I have nothing against you, your song, your fedora or grenades in general. But I do think you're setting the bar a little high and I just want it clear that not all women want someone who is bat-shit crazy. 

Yours truly, 

M

P.S. I borrowed the pictures from Wikipedia and the lyrics came from here. And if you've never heard the song because you and I are friends precisely because we wouldn't know who Bruno Mars is (see also "SNOB"), here's the video. Caution: ear worms happen.