Things that happened: Highway to the Danger Zone

Because you have the song in your head already anyway you might as well start here. (It's actually a medley of Top Gun songs because I guess Warner Brothers keeps suing people for using the full song on YouTube.) 

Thing 1: I was attacked(ish). I was all set to head off for a hike this morning when I heard something vibrating in my sink. That's right, vibrating. I hadn't done the dishes yet so I assumed that the rotting food had grown legs and was trying to escape. I wasn't wrong.... exactly.

There was the giantest moth in the universe (yes, universe) flap flap flapping his giant bat-wings trying to get out of the mouth of the sink. I screamed. Loudly enough that my neighbors SHOULD have come to find out if I was being murdered, but I now know that they will be useless to me when I am actually being murdered.

My brain:

FUUCK! Do I shove it down the sink hole and turn on the disposal? Oh god, no. I can't have the murder of that 10lb animal on my conscience. Plus, what if it clogs the disposal or shoots bug-guts back at me? Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck. Cover it up so it doesn't fly up at you. Ok... covered up. Hmmmm. That didn't help the overall situation. It's still in my sink. How does one coax a bat out of the sink? Its wings are wet so that's why it can't just fly. Thank god it can't fly. I guess I have to help it. Oh, fuck you, bat. If you fly at my face I will murder you so much. 

What my body was doing during this thought process might be called it jig. I was sort of dancing from one foot the other, gagging a little, shrieking (quieter), and wishing my life was over.

I then offered the bat a wooden spoon to climb on, which he did, and then I shrieked the entire way from the kitchen to the balcony telling him that if he touched me I would let the cats have him.

Really, though, the screaming had frightened the cats who were both on their second morning naps at the time and who fled the scene after my first scream. Useless assholes. I placed a quarter next to him and took this picture. His body was the size of my thumb. *shudder*

Thing 2: I could have been attacked. I finally stopped gagging from the giant moth event, and set off for my my hike. About a half mile in there was a sign that there had been mountain lion sightings recently and some tips on what to do to prevent being attacked. What I remember from the sign:

1. Don't look like food.

2. Be loud.

3. Fight like your life depends on it.  

Is it bears you're supposed to play dead with when they're attacking you? I don't remember. I just know that I was constantly surrounded by mountain bikers who'd never mountain biked before so I was pacing them with my very slow hiking walk and I figured they probably looked way more like food than I did what with their whimpering and snack-breaks.

Thing 3: Swimming Upstream. After rescuing the giant moth that was trying to kill me and fending off mountain lion attacks (I didn't see any mountain lions if you got lost in my brilliant story telling), I decided a trip to Ikea was just another adventure to be had. Because I really only wanted to look at the patio furniture, I tried wiggling through the store backwards.

If you've never been to an Ikea, it's like a giant amusement park "fun house." There are mirrors and ghouls around every bend and if you don't follow the path forward, someone will yell at you. For real, though, there are arrows directing you through the maze. And I walked the entire store backwards. Well, I walked forwards, but it was against the flow of cattle. People were sooo annoyed... except I think no one gave a shit, but I felt wicked! And I got some really nice orange pillows for $6.99 and I think I need some new patio furniture.

Thing 4: Occupy Whole Foods. There's a nice little Whole Foods in my neighborhood (where the poor people live) that I usually frequent. It's about 1/3 the size of your traditional store and I really like the experience. There's a giant Whole Foods in Cherry Creek (where the rich people live) that I avoid because I often feel like crying at some point during the experience.

The parking lot is very small and because it's Cherry Creek, they actually have valet parking. I refuse to valet, though, because that's just stupid for grocery shopping, right? One time I accidentally found myself about to proceed the wrong way down a one-way row and I stopped in fear. The only way to get out of the pickle would be to back-up, but I couldn't because there were so many cars coming and going I never had a chance. I was like a moth trapped in a sink. I finally said "fuck it" and just went down the wrong way. Of course some person in a very nice car felt the need to roll down his window and tell me what a fucking idiot I was and then I cried.

But I was so emboldened by the rest of the day today that I figured I'd risk it to see if it was just MY Whole Foods that stopped carrying the almond milk yogurt I fell in love with. Nope, it's all of them.

In Top Gun, I'd be Ice Man.

Happy Memorial Day.