The Cinco de Mayo situation.

After my post about RDJ on Sunday, I started drafting a post about the racism of the "Cinco de Drinko" signs I've seen all over town that I'd planned to post on Monday. It was such a poorly thought out post that it wasn't until Monday that I realized Sunday was the 5th of May and posting about it on the 6th of May was stupid. Regardless: People of America, stop fucking up other people's holidays by turning them into excuses to be drunk at 10 a.m. Just get drunk if you want to, but stop being a racist dick about it. 

Other things that happened:

1. Fishing. While cc'd on an email conversation between a coworker and a vendor, a side conversation took place.

Coworker (to vendor): blah blah blah... P.S. Have you had the airboat out lately.

Vendor (to Coworker): blah blah blah When will you be ready to come over and shoot some carp with us?

Me (to coworker... not cc'ing vendor): Does one really shoot carp? Do I not understand how fishing works?

Coworker: With a bow!  It is a great time, you should give it a try.  

Me: OH! That makes so much more sense. I might shoot a bow. I don't think I'm afraid of that. I've never been fishing. I think I would like sitting on a boat all day and drinking beer, but ice fishing or anything that requires a lot of activity... I'll leave that to someone who actually wants to catch something. 

 No response from coworker. 

2. Fatal Diseases. While jogging the other night I decided to sprint that last 90 seconds or so to the car. Normally I cool down, but I was tired and hungry and had a 30+ minute drive home so I just sprinted to the car, got in and left. I was taking off my eye makeup before my shower when I realized the underlid of my left eye was puffy like I'd been bit by a bug. But I didn't think I had. So I took a Benadryl, showered, and started panicking that I was dying. 

Because I had seen WC right before I'd left the office, I texted him to see if he'd noticed my eye swelling up or if it really had happened during my run. 

Me: Was my left eye puffy under my eye that you noticed or is this new?
Him: I didn't notice anything unusual. You want me to come look or bring you anything? (I should have asked for a pizza... idiot!)

Me: No. I'm going to take a benadryl and google eye diseases...

Which I did. I Googled "lower eyelid suddenly swollen"and got some interesting results. Unlike my usual web-diagnosis of lupus, it was confirmed I would be dying in my sleep.

Because a friend had recently told me she'd Googled her own eye ailment and been diagnosed via the internet with diabetes. I dubbed her problem "eye-abetes" because you can't be afraid of a parody disease. So I emailed her my results with the subject "I have eye-abetes": 

Or something. One under-eyelid swelled up this evening so I'm googling it and I found this article which says I'm dying:

"You may have noticed puffiness under your eyes a lot of times. Usually it reduces by itself, but it may even take days to subside. Puffiness or bags under one eye is not as common as swelling under both the eyes. This can also be an indication of some other fatal disease. Hence, it is important for you to know about the possible causes behind this condition and get it treated in the initial stage itself.

Read more at Buzzle: http://www.buzzle.com/articles/puffiness-under-one-eye.html" 

I don't know who Buzzle is, but they can fuck off.  

But for real I found a site that says if you workout really hard without a cool-down sometimes your eyelids can get puffy so you should always cool-down. Lesson learned.

3. Nuts and twigs. While spending a pleasant afternoon with WC, we witnessed a giant truck with a cow bell clanging on the front and truck nuts dangling from the back. I went home and posted the following on Facebook:

If you're looking for that link, www.your-nuts.com.
The comments are amazing!

 Days passed and I noticed my mother has commented on my post:

 

Does she think I put truck nuts on my car? Who does she think is talking someone else into them? What is happening? 

One time when I was getting a pedicure, the very not-American girl buffing the callouses from my feet asked me about Dick's Sporting Goods. Her inquiry was based on why someone would name a store after the male genitalia. I was mortified that she was asking me these questions... mostly because I was there alone and had no witnesses to this amazing conversation. I explained that "dick" was indeed a name for the male member, but it was also short for Richard. She then proceeded to ask me for other names for the penis. 

I was texting everyone I knew about the awesomeness that was occurring and for some reason I thought my mother would enjoy it so I texted her, too. She responded with some other names for penis, thinking that I was asking for help in this regard. I was not. I asked her to please never ever talk about a "Johnson" in front of me. Ever. 

4. This happened again.

5. I eat bugs. Tonight I planned to make my favorite coconut kale recipe with a side of shrimp. I rinsed the kale, tossed it in the spinner, and preheated the oven. I noticed there was a lot of schmegma floating in the salad-spinner... much of it with legs. It's okay. Bugs like vegetables that don't have pesticides. This isn't the end of the world. Just rinse again. 

So I did. Still more legs. So I rinsed and tossed and rinsed and spun. Each time making a deal with myself that it would be okay if I rinsed and spun twice with no bugs flying off. Just twice. One more rinse and there won't be any bugs... Okay, maybe twice is asking too much. If the water is clear once, I will eat this kale. Ok, if there is only one bug in the next rinse/spin I will eat this kale. I should throw out this kale. NO! They're fine. I'm sure I eat bugs in my sleep. Ok... I have rinsed each leaf individually and spun. This is going to be it... Okay, one more time. I wonder if the shrimp is still good. I bought it Sunday. If I cook both things reallllly good, I won't die. 

2 hours later and I am still alive, but I mostly attribute it to the coconut ice cream I ate after the crunchy kale with bugs and coconut. I have decided that if I put definitely-not-spoiled food on top of spoiled food, they mix in my stomach to make diluted spoiled food which is totally not going to kill me. Right? (I promise if I was serving you food, I wouldn't have served you anything but the ice cream.)

In closing... some bloggers break this shit up into multiple posts so they always have something to post, but when I try to draft ahead, I find myself in the Cinco de Mayo situation so I might as well just get it all out.