What the fuck, Charlie Brown?

So I was settling down to paint by numbers and enjoy a bourbon spiked cider when I stumbled upon a Charlie Brown special on the Family Channel. It's the one where Charlie Brown goes to the national Spelling Bee.

What the fuck is wrong with Charles Schulz? I mean, this cartoon is terrible. These children are terrible! Everything is always terrible!

1. Why is this kid essentially bald? I mean, he's got to be somewhere between 8 and 10, right? Why is he bald? Does he have alopecia? Alopecia isn't funny. I guess it's a little funny to say.

2. What the hell is wrong with Lucy? Why is she such a cunt? I mean, Charlie Brown is boarding a bus to the national Spelling Bee and she's all "Don't fuck it up, loser!" Or she said "don't mess up," but it was still really shitty. And what's with the football thing?


3. Snoopy is a terrible dog. I do like that he gets excited when he first sees Charlie Brown and does that little happy dance, but otherwise he's a real back-stabber. I mean, he's like a cat the way he only cares about Charlie when his bowl is empty. And that whole Joe Cool thing? Get over yourself, dog. Also, his best friend, Woodstock, is a pothead. There. I said it.

4. Can we talk about all the female characters being so love lorn? So, yeah, Lucy likes Schroeder and Sally is always throwing herself at Linus (we'll get to Linus in a minute) and Marcy is obviously in love with Peppermint Patty... And all the dudes are panicked by these girls who are planning their weddings at age 8... Well shit yes they are. They're 8!

5. At first I was thinking that Linus was possibly a character I could get behind until he freaked out on Charlie Brown after loaning Charlie his precious blanket and then had blankie withdrawals. Heroin metaphor much? Grow up, kiddo. Bitches don't like dudes with blankies. Except that hussy Sally, but she'll totally grow out of that faster than it seems Linus will ditch the giant snot rag.

With Peanuts, it comes down to a lack of likable characters. Each seems to be this caricature of narcissism, addiction, or severe emotional disorder instead of something entertaining or even redeeming. Even Pigpen... the poor sucker who is obviously impoverished and neglected to the extent that a trail of filth follows behind him... that kid even sucks.

While researching for this post (see also: stealing pictures from wikipedia), I came across what is listed as the first Peanuts comic strip from 1950.

Look at him. Smiling. Bald. Jaunty. Sonofabitch...

Happy Thanksgiving.