An Open Letter

Dear Long White Hair on my Chin,

I just noticed you. Just now.

When did you move in? I've seen your shorter friends hanging out for a decade or so and self-consciously wondered if my beard was thicker than the average female's and decided that it wasn't. Mostly because shaving/waxing/lasering seemed like more grooming that I could handle. (Check in with your friends in the pits for proof of my lack of diligence.)

But who said it was okay to exceed fuzz length? Fuzz, as I determined previously, is acceptable and simply a part of my mammalian ways. Competing with my eye brow hairs is rude and unnecessary. It's not a competition. You can still be the best chin hair in the land... all blendy with the others. There is no need to stand out.


You've rudely invaded the (self)conscious space that I have so frantically searched for your thicker and darker cousins who pop forth from my chin and are deftly plucked before their time. But you... you... you must have been planning this.

Ha ha! She'll never notice me as I quietly grow amongst these other furry weeds. 

Well fuck you. Fuck you AND your uninvited presence on my face. You will rue the day you poked forth into my visage....

Oh, who am I kidding? Welcome. Welcome to my life. You shall be called Vanessa.

Beardly yours,
M
____________________________

Dear Pimple on my Neck,

Who the fuck do you think you are?

M