It's just a blip

There are lots of reasons I haven't posted in awhile... life is busy... work is busy... nothing overly entertaining in a blogger-sort-of-way has been happening... and I haven't been feeling well.

It's one of those "not feeling wells" that you kind of just let linger trying to pinpoint what it could be until months have passed and you realize you haven't felt right for a long time.

If you break your ankle, you go the doctor pretty fast because the pain is excruciating.  If you pull a muscle, you just keep trying to work around it. I guess I pulled a life muscle. (How's that for a metaphor I can abuse?)

I took this picture while WC and I were headed to Breckenridge last month.
I love it because you can see him driving in the reflection so it's like I'm
sharing him, but I'm not! 

The diagnosis of Adrenal Fatigue coupled with whatever angry gut issues I have are mild in comparison to what I'd been googling (one of them starts with a C). Adrenal Fatigue, like Leaky Gut and IBS, are these catch-all diagnoses that mean no one really knows what the fuck went wrong or how to fix it, but it puts you in a club of frustrated and hungry people.

I've always considered myself a healthy person. I thought I ate well. I work out 4-5 times a week and have for the last decade. I switch up my workouts to create muscle confusion. I do yoga. I don't drink a lot. I eat organic when possible. Lots of leafy greens and whatnot. No trans fats. Healthy balance of Omegas and shit.

But what I did find when I finally started keeping a food diary was that I did consume a shit ton of sugar. In comparison to others? Maybe not so much, but I had a chai every day, a cookie or some gelato/sorbet after dinner every night. Some dark chocolate or a treat after lunch. I sweetened my oatmeal with maple syrup. Not a lot, but not zero. Trying to make myself feel better with the "In comparison to others?"... doesn't actually help because it only matters what your body can handle.

So now I'm trying to cleanse/detox. Gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free. No vinegar, no corn anything, minimal fruit. (Anti-candida diet and then mostly paleo once I'm done with the cleaning portion of the program if you're curious.)

When one of the things you take the greatest joy in is food, this becomes very depressing. Food is a social event. Take out the food, and the social starts to wither as well. 

When one of the things you feel most proud of is your strength, but because something (god knows what) has your guts in knots... knots so you leave the gym class to catch your breath... knots that turn to tears in the back room because you're healthy dammit and you're strong and you don't have ebola or cancer and you're not homeless so quit feeling sorry for yourself. 

In fact,  I'm in a totally luxury position where I can seek help from out of network providers who will help me heal and not simply mask my symptoms (although sometimes masking seems like a really great thing). We're playing with different supplements and treatments that should regulate my cortisol and heal my achey guts. Not everyone has access to good medical care, much less good alternative whole-body medical care. I know this is a luxury of which I am very grateful to be able to afford.

But I feel like a pincushion without the needles (although we also do acupuncture). I feel like a constant experiment. How will you feel on this cocktail of vitamins and herbs? How will you feel if you eat this or that? Wait? Did the supplement make you feel like your body was vibrating or was that the spinach salad seasoned only with olive oil? Or maybe the raspberries. The coveted berries that some blog said would be fine, but maybe they aren't? 

But it's just a blip, right? It's just a minor change in focus. It's apparent I needed to have a long talk with sugar and explain to it that it's an abusive companion. But it kept bringing me cookies. And I fucking love a cookie.

I'm starting to hate myself talking about my situation with people. And I don't think I talk about it too much except to WC, who is sweet and patient. But I hate it. I sound like someone with a chronic problem. I'm going to be that person in the office people resent for calling in all the time. I'm going to be that friend that people say "Oh, yeah, she wasn't feeling well today" and then possibly roll their eyes because I don't have a real problem. It's probably all in my head.

Don't worry. I've asked my head. We've talked and agreed that this one isn't a trick of the mind. I want to be strong.

WC and I are going out of town for a few days soon and I'm nervous. I don't know yet how to eat in a way where I'm confident I'll feel good. The not-eating thing is actually not all that helpful if you were wondering. The body doesn't like being hungry and undernourished. Puts more strain on it... thus leading to more adrenal fatigue... thus more gut issues.

I have to keep reminding myself that WC cares about me. And he knows me. He knows that I'm not a whiner or a crazy person (well...). And all he wants is to help and support, but I'm strong dammit. I'm strong and independent and I don't need help and I'm not fragile and vulnerable. I don't cry in front of people when they ask me why I left the gym class. Or why I'm canceling an appointment. Or when I'm nervous about traveling.

I'm strong dammit.