The Meeting: A Scene

6:30 - Pour bourbon and soda into a glass. Taste. Adjust mix. Taste. Contemplate not going to meeting.

6:33 - Put pants on. Taste drink again. Adjust mix.

6:35 - Consider not wearing a bra because wearing a bra is for people at work and you're at home and home means no bra.

6:40 - Pour a little more bourbon into mug. Maybe a little more soda. Maybe a little more bourbon.

6:43 - Put a bra on.


6:45 - Realize bringing a cocktail to an HOA meeting may be sending the wrong message. Pour drink into mug.

6:46  - While wine in a mug has worked in prior years, bourbon has much more distinctive boozy smell. Should just own drinking booze at HOA meeting vs hiding it?

6:48 - Decide that since already dirtied 2 glasses should just stick with mug because it's a pretty classy mug and is definitely better than showing up with a cocktail in a stemless wineglass. The horror!

6:50 - Ride elevator with neighbors. Wish drink was in insulated mug with lid so no one can see distinctive boozy color of drink.

6:51 - Sign in to meeting. Avoid appearing to take a sides in the never ending battle between those who love former building manager and those who hated him. Doesn't matter that he's been gone for 6 months as these two sides have very firmly drawn lines which will ne'er be muddled. Sit alone kind of in the middle of both angry mobs.

7:02 - Meeting begins. Start to feel proud of hiding drink in classy mug. Think self is genius.

7:05 - Text sister about how awesome it is to be drinking bourbon at HOA meeting.

7:15 - Warm.

7:20 - Second some motion. Don't remember what. Name is now on record.

7:25 - Listen to 6 people who want to be on the board but have never spoken in public in their lives describe why they should be on the board including one person who basically said we needed some young people on the board and that's why she should be elected but it came out like "And so, um, like, I just think, like, maybe we should, have some, um.... fresh... um.... young... um new perspectives." Vote on new board members.

7:30 - Why are they arguing about cleaning the carpet? How is this controversial? Clean the motherfucking carpet. Start to hate some of the people voted for. Want to take ballot back.

7:45 - Text sister about being accidentally drunk at HOA meeting.

7:50 - Results are in and idiot youth are elected to board, but luckily not that guy who won't shut up about the carpets.

8:10 - Are we talking about the dirty carpet again? What is it with you guys and the carpet? Just get it fucking cleaned?

8:30 - Sleepy.

8:31 - From the peanut gallery: "Well Ernie would have cleaned the carpets, why can't Avi?" (Ernie is old building manager. Avi is new. People hate change.)

8:42 - Incoherantly interject thoughts about blind corners in the parking lot and those mirror things that are all... you  know... bulbous? ("convex" was the word being sought). Feel bad for judging new board member as sometimes speaking is hard and maybe she too was having secret bourbon.

8:46 - Murmer disagreement that HVAC issues were actually 2 summers ago and not last summer. Pretty sure last summer. Can't remember anything about last summer. Possible the issue was 7 summers ago and maybe it was the heater and not the HVAC. Hate everyone. Should not have worn a bra for this.

9:00 - WHY AM I STILL FUCKING SITTING HERE.

9:10 - Text sister about HOA hangover. Truly have headache.

9:20 - Wrapping up. Not fast enough. Carpets still aren't being cleaned.

Recipe for Meeting Bourbon Cocktail
Preparation time: 30 seconds to 30 minutes
Servings: 1-12 

Get mug. Preferably a "classy" one. Ask around if you need to know if your mug is classy. If there's a cat on it, it's not. Cute, but not classy. 

Pour what might be an ounce or two of bourbon into mug.
Pour some ounces of soda water into mug
Add ice
Add a splash more of bourbon
Squeeze a lime in there cuz lime is good 

Possibly add some more bourbon. Or soda. Whichever. Keep tasting it. You'll be fine.

For god's sake, put a bra on.