Highway to hell

These are real email exchanges from this week. The items used as examples have been changed to protect my industry (I'm not in the food industry) and to be less boring. I've left people's names because they're not innocent. They're dumb. Even when it's me who is dumb. 

Scene 1

Ken: Hey. You do our food contracts, right? 

Me: For purchasing the food, yes, but not for when people buy food from us. 

Ken (cc'ing 5 other people): Hey all. Melissa can help you with these contracts with people trying to buy food from us. 

Scene 2

Me (to a group of 5-6 recipients): All food must be purchased on a purchase order. This is not a new policy. Here's a screen shot of the policy. 

[SCREEN SHOT OF POLICY WHICH SAYS 

Items Requiring a Purchase Order = Food

Items not Requiring a Purchase Order = Rent, Toys, Cat litter]

Matthew: But we've never had to put that on a purchase order before.

Me: Yes you have, but I didn't know it wasn't happening. 

Michelle: We don't put rent on a purchase order. 

Me: Right. This isn't rent. It's food. 

Brett: We've always coded it to 4655 and it just got paid. 

Me: Fine. I'm terrible at my job. You need to do it now. Now you're going to do it right and still code it to 4655 and still get it paid. But the right way. 

Doug: At the risk of getting myself in trouble, we don't pay [Toys R Us] or [Petco]  on purchase orders. 

Me: Are we buying food from them?

Doug: No. Toys and cat litter. 

Me: Right. So not food. Someone needs to submit a purchase order for this food. 

Scene 3

While calling a coworker, I IM him at the same time.

Me (via IM): answer

answer

answer

answer

Emmett: Huh?
Me (via phone): I'm sorry ma'am, I must have the dialed the wrong number. 

Scene 4

Richard (to Tara): Here's that food contract. 

Tara (cc'ing me): Richard, Melissa can help you with that. 

Richard: I knew I'd end up with Melissa. 

Me: All roads lead to hell. 

Richard: Seriously? You sound like you should be writing music for AC/DC?

Me: That's the highway to hell. I'm on the side streets, too.